in existence

[sircus]

hey everyone

I've never done anything like this before, only ever showing friends my lyrics

but I love writing and I love the how personal writing is to everyone and how enthusiastic and involved people are with writing

idk what I expect from posting on here but I thought I'd give it a try!

I'm currently writing my 4th album. this song was the first I wrote for it.

any and all advice or comments are welcome.

I'm never really sure what my songs are about when I write them, having to read them back at a later time to digest them myself. I don't think this is about anyone specific in my life, but the idea behind it being the pov of a painting in an art gallery, not being able to speak to a frequent visitor they think is the most beautiful person

in existence

verse 1

I need you to know
people come and they go
I'll always be waiting here
till I lose all hope
you're always around
I'm trying to show myself
I don't make a sound
just some art stuck upon a shelf

prechorus

you are the most beautiful thing in existence
your eyes trace my frame just like a witness
you are the most beautiful thing that's existed
I'd let the rain pour before I would let this slip

chorus

from my fingertips
in existence
my skins just leather
and yours like a feather
I know I'll be waiting forever and ever
it's listless
in existence
you've got it together
and I'm just in tethers
I hope you know there's nothing like you that's here in existence

verse 2

I want you to stay
but I watch you go
you always lock eyes with me
but you'll never know
i wait for your glance
youre keeping me hoping
just one more chance
I'll show you what's golden

prechorus

you are the most beautiful thing in existence
our eyes turn and admire when we feel your presence
you are the most beautiful I've ever witnessed
id let the gallery burn before I would let this slip

chorus

from my fingertips
in existence
I'm on the wall
you'll never hear my call
it's impossible that we're both here in this room in this instance
in existence
I'll let the tears flow
but theyll never even show
haunted that I won't be with you for all of existence

outro

so
I need you to know
I'll always keep waiting
for you, for you to show
and even though you don't see
I love you so
I hope one day you'll notice me
and then take me home
and then take me home

thank you
sircus.

[snargleplax]

Hello, and welcome! Kudos on taking the vulnerable step of sharing your work for feedback.

I like the creativity of the premise. It does result in the narrator being quite helpless, and perhaps as a result the overall sentiment comes across as quite abject and supplicatory. That's infatuation, I suppose; but a lot of the sentiment in the verses doesn't feel like it's lending a lot of support to the story begun by the premise. Lines like "I'll always keep waiting" and "I hope one day you'll notice me" could appear in _any_ unrequited love song. They're bulking things out without making the piece as cohesive or striking as it might be with greater density of novel imagery.

I'll make some notes on specific lines. Hope you'll find some of it helpful or thought-provoking.

verse 1

I need you to know
people come and they go works with the theme, but the phrasing is quite familiar, so I'm not feeling as much impact as I might want in the beginning of the first verse
I'll always be waiting here
till I lose all hope the rest of the song sounds more like "I'll wait forever", so I don't know that a line implying the opposite really fits.
you're always around
I'm trying to show myself
I don't make a sound
just some art stuck upon a shelf I like this placement of establishing the art gallery theme. We get a verse to hear about emotions, and then this image reframes (no pun, honest) what we just heard while it's still fresh and we're hitting the chorus. It also leaves us to interpret, from this point, whether the statement is literal or not (and that can also remain ambiguous for the duration).

prechorus

you are the most beautiful thing in existence I think this is much too sappy.  It doesn't feel original.
your eyes trace my frame just like a witness Better.  Nice sensory detail, paints a picture (definitely no pun here either).  "Witness" as a rhyme is good, but the phrasing is a little weird. I think of witnesses as passive observers, whereas "eyes trace my frame" implies intensive visual study.
you are the most beautiful thing that's existed
I'd let the rain pour before I would let this slip I find this confusing. The narrator can't control whether the rain pours from the sky, so I'm trying to guess what this means. Like, let the rain pour onto yourself, a painting who would therefore be damaged? I could get behind that imagery, but the phrasing just doesn't get it across.

chorus

from my fingertips
in existence I don't quite get what this line is expressing in context. Is it just a random echo of the "most beautiful in existence" line above? The placement is confusing. Actually my first thought was that maybe this is some wordplay, like "inexistence" as in "I don't really exist". No idea whether you were going for that at all.
my skins just leather
and yours like a feather
I know I'll be waiting forever and ever I like this sequence of rhymes. Having this third line longer, with the internal rhyme that matches the line end rhymes, makes the prosody interesting and avoids letting the otherwise familiar phrase "forever and ever" come across as stale. The ear is a little surprised by the longer line, so it's hard to feel like "oh, I expected that too much" about the words at the same time.
it's listless
in existence
you've got it together
and I'm just in tethers I like this rhyme, as well as the imagery of tethers to describe the situation of a picture hung on the wall and helpless. It also feels like a play on "in tatters", and that also works well.
I hope you know there's nothing like you that's here in existence I like this use of the title better. Maybe cut "that's here", as that feels like wordy padding.

verse 2

I want you to stay
but I watch you go
you always lock eyes with me good imagery, playing on the double meaning of locking eyes with a person vs. looking at a painting
but you'll never know
i wait for your glance
youre keeping me hoping
just one more chance
I'll show you what's golden This feels like a forced rhyme, making the verse end on a weak step. "Golden" is too unnatural of a choice here.

prechorus

you are the most beautiful thing in existence
our eyes turn and admire when we feel your presence introducing "our" at this point in the song is confusing, especially since it's just this one line. I assume it's referring to the other paintings, but they just don't seem like a part of the story otherwise.
you are the most beautiful I've ever witnessed I wouldn't use the "witness" rhyme for the title twice
id let the gallery burn before I would let this slip Makes more sense than the rain line. Maybe just use this both times, or at least put this first and rework the other.

chorus

from my fingertips
in existence
I'm on the wall
you'll never hear my call
it's impossible that we're both here in this room in this instance love this rhyme for the title.
 line is a bit wordy.
in existence
I'll let the tears flow
but theyll never even show
haunted that I won't be with you for all of existence This sentiment feels a bit overwrought.

outro

so
I need you to know
I'll always keep waiting
for you, for you to show
and even though you don't see
I love you so
I hope one day you'll notice me it's odd to have both this and the line above about locking eyes. How can you not notice someone if you lock eyes with them?
and then take me home
and then take me home

thank you
sircus.

[sircus]

@snargleplax

thank you for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate your honesty

it's nice to have an outside perspective, seeing how everyone views sentences and songs as a whole differently.

would love to discuss lyrics of any type in the future as I like your direct opinions

[snargleplax]

Sure thing, glad you found it helpful. Feel free to hit me up.