A Boy Who's In Love

[Popsicle]

Hi folks!
I rewrote a song that was in a different language to English, trying to keep true to the story in the song. It's just the first few verses, but I was wondering if the vocabulary I used was not natural for lyrics, or if it was too wordy. Thanks!

Would you run?
If I told you my life's just begun
If I shoulder the burden of
facing your way
lean in to say
Deep inside I'm a boy who's in love

Notice how the winds have changed
Notice how the clouds are parting
How the world is rearranged
When you fill the void I'm guarding