The Ghost in My Arms

[DonMar]

I've written this specifically for a collaboration. The genre will likely be Americana ballad.
Male vocals.
Regarding the structure: I've broken a couple of lyric-writing 'rules' (e.g. putting the title in the Outro), but the piece sings just fine. I tested it. The structure of the individual sections will basically stay the same, though a few words or partial lines might be replaced if necessary.
 
Wanted to post the lyric for constructive feedback, as several pairs of eyes are better than one.   Mainly I want to be sure the piece is clear and cohesive, and gets across the feeling of profound loss. I've included concrete details in the verses while being a little abstract in the chorus and second half of the bridge. The outro is a bit of a hybrid.
 
I welcome your thoughts.
 
Thanks!
 
Donna
 
The Ghost in My Arms 
   
V1       
Woke up thinkin' maybe it'd be a good day
Heard her hummin' in the hall
...Bare feet soft on the hardwood floor
Even knew the minute she was goin' to say
"C'mon, hon, get movin' "as she smiled from the door
 
V2
Doctor's big old office was a short drive away
Heard her singin' to herself
...Made me feel everything'd be fine
Even knew the minute when she'd laugh and say
'C'mon, hon, don't worry, I'll be OK in no time'
 
Chorus
But Time's an illusion
We take it for granted
Certain we'll harvest
The futures we planted
...Then somethin' awful occurs
...And oh, what I'd give
For one day more with her
 
Bridge
Now I sit hunched on the sofa at night
Head in my hands when the grief is upon me
...Been so long, but still it's beyond me
How quickly the ground can give way
...Crumble to pieces in the space of one day         
 
Chorus
For Time's an illusion
We take it for granted
Certain we'll harvest
The futures we planted
...Then somethin' awul occurs
... And oh, what I'd give
For one day more with her
 
And oh, what I'd give
For one day more
...one hour more
...one minute more with her
 
Outro
Now the love of my life
Is a ghost in my arms
...And any comfort is out of my grasp
I only ask to be left alone
To hold what the dark hasn't stolen
To cradle the ghost in my arms
 
...I only ask to be left alone
To cradle the ghost in my arms

[Seriousfun]

Brave subject.  Taking the listener through the death as well as the grief. Well written and pretty clear lyric.thought the chorus was the strongest as its a little less direct which helps to soften the topic a little.

love the lines "Assuming a harvest
From futures we've planted"

Well done I hope we get to hear the finished product.

[DonMar]

Thanks for your response, Seriousfun. Not sure the collab will go through (prior commitments), but I've gone ahead and made a couple of adjustments to the original text, including in the bridge. Those lines you liked now read: 'Certain we'll harvest/The futures we planted'. I feel it sounds more natural. (Hope you still like them. )

[JohnS]

Tough subject, but well done. In the chorus the word "occurs" is like a jarring switch from the intimate to the formal. Maybe just me hearing it that way, and I know you want the rhyme with her. I'd use "happens".
Also in the chorus, you might want to consider "one more day with her" or even "another day with her" - gives you a nice internal rhyme. "one day more" seems a bit clunky.
Just my thoughts, use or lose.
 

[DonMar]

Thanks for popping in to give feedback, John. Much appreciated. In the meantime, I've made a couple of word changes (V2 line 5, chorus line 2, bridge line 5). Regarding 'occurs' vs. 'happens': I see the first four chorus lines as being formal/abstract, with lines 5-7 becoming the intimate ones.
But I'll think on your suggestion.

As to using 'one day more' rather than 'one more day': I felt 'one day more' was a touch more dramatic, and led smoothly into 'one hour more' and 'one minute more', which to me flow better than 'one more day', 'one more hour', 'one more minute with her'. I also like the feeling of ending with an open 'o' vowel in 'one day more' and 'one hour more'.

I'll be interested to hear others' thoughts.

[Elvis Nash]

Be interested on once its done , Great hook