Hi Guys,
I usually write the words and music, but this one I never got around to writing the music for but I will.
Written by George Ferrie. I know it might be a bit dark but then war is.
The battle
From a far away land there came news of a battle
Young men were dying at the fore of the fight
They fought brave and true with their sense of conviction
And in deaths early grasp they hoped they were right
And they all stood together as one
They all stood together as one
As the night closed its door to the cry of the wounded
Darkness had triumphed in its battle with light
But they were aware that their war was not over
It was only a respite in the cycle of life
And they all stood together as one
They all stood together as one
On two separate shores two mothers were crying
For the sons they had nurtured were both in the fray
No they didn't care for the glory of winning
They prayed to their gods, that their sons would be saved
And they all stood together as one
And they all died together as one
And let no man say, that they've won the day
What will we leave when we're done
What will we leave for our sons
A graphic illustration of the wastefulness of war. I expect the eventual music for this will be in a minor key. A good song for protesting violent conflict.
The silent loss beneath the victor's claims. Always a lament we push aside. Always a lesson unlearned. Well written. I look forward to the song.
Thank you for your comments, I always appreciate feedback, thanks,
George
I like the progression of ideas across the verses, I think that really works. As does the very simple, short chorus.
A couple of things stick out to me as potential issues of cliche. "Brave and true" feels like an overly-familiar phrase. I've heard it before, so it doesn't hit my ear with any impact. It's often best to avoid established phrases like these unless you can put a twist on them.
And "Darkness had triumphed in its battle with light", while not a cliche phrase, is a tremendously well-worn idea. That doesn't mean you can't use it if it fits your theme, but again I'd think about how any potential impact may be hollowed out by familiarity. If it's not providing that but you still want the idea there for the story, maybe look at other ways of phrasing it so it's a bit more understated, as opposed to setting up a rhyme (which puts it in the spotlight, where we expect some additional "punch" to justify the extra attention). The previous line already mentions "night", so maybe you run it together more, e.g. something like "The darkness of night closed its door on the wounded / their cries ringing its victory over daylight".