UNDERNEATH THE MOONLIGHT
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(verse)
We walk the line between the worlds,
where silence speaks and whispers swirl.
Your eyes a map I've never known,
a place where light and shadows've grown.
A fleeting touch, a quiet laugh,
the air we breathe, it's just our path
In the quiet something hums,
two hearts echo where we're from.
(pre-chorus)
You say my name like it's a secret,
a place we go when no one's there.
In every glance there's something endless,
underneath the moon, we share.
(chorus)
Oh, we paint the skies in shades of gold,
with every story left untold.
A love that lives between the lines,
just a feeling that lives and feels like time.
Underneath the moon, I'm yours, you're mine.
(bridge)
In the quiet, we don't need the sound,
the world spins, but we stand our ground.
No labels, no boundaries to define,
in this moment you're all mine.
(chorus)
Oh, we're painting skies in shades of gold,
with every story left untold.
A love that lives between the lines,
just a feeling that feels like time.
Underneath the moon, I'm yours, you're mine.
(outro)
Underneath the moon, we'll fade to night,
just you and me in the soft light.
In silence, love's our only sound,
together we're lost, yet we're found.
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!!Advice is welcome!!
(if you, or if you know someone, who's looking for a collaboration**, let me know in the replies)
**a collaboration where i would write the songs (you can co-write if you want), with the inspiration of your ideas, so you can sing to it, make a background music, ...
"You say my name like it's a secret" is a great line; that one hit me right away.
The structure is pretty unusual -- it's verse-chorus-verse, but there's only a single verse, and yet we've got all this additional structure in the form of a pre-chorus, a bridge, and an outro. There's nothing wrong with unusual, but personally I've found it beneficial to read what other songwriters have to say about how these pieces each serve a functional role. Awareness of what those functions at least _can_ be, may serve as good tonic against a song structure that could otherwise threaten to be meandering and unclear, not leading the ear on the desired emotional journey.
To me, the bridge between choruses seems more like a mini-verse. A bridge is generally near the end, and breaks from the pattern established by the verses. With only one verse, there's not much pattern to disrupt. Whether it comes across as a bridge anyway also depends on how you set it to music, but you could explore alternatives. If you don't want to add a second verse, maybe you do an instrumental break between the choruses, and let the bridge lead into the outro instead (and include some different harmonic structure so that we pick out the bridginess of it).
I really like the feel of this lyric. I do have some ideas that may or may not be improvements.
Fourth line, first verse:
a place where light and shadows've grown. Consider "a place where light and shadows grow". That feels more dynamic to me.
Last line, first verse:
two hearts echo where we're from. My brain wants it to say something about two hearts becoming one, somehow. Maybe there's no good way to do that, though. "Two hearts echo as if one" really doesn't work. "Two hearts echo, feels like one"? Probably fine as is.
Outro first two lines:
Underneath the moon, we'll fade to night,
just you and me in the soft light.
Consider something like:
"Underneath the moon we'll fade from sight,
just you and me in the peaceful/calm/quiet/tranquil night.
Just a few ideas that popped into my head while I was reading. Ignore them if you don't like them. Use any of them if you like.
What else I noticed...the rhythms are inconsistent to some extent, but nothing that a good melodic treatment can't deal with. The lyric has a beautiful, peaceful, calming, loving feel to it. Very, very nice.
Vicki
This is the closest thing I've ever seen that invites through-composing. I can bring seamless mid-score key, meter and lyrical pitch changes on a single attempt. I'd love to score this. It's such a departure from the musical blueprinting we're all cut from, and tend to ground ourselves in, that we're almost cautious to the idea that anything else is on the wings of Icarus. Anyway, I think the message is in fine pros and very open to scoring with a flair for free expression in and of itself.