Well, after over a year of inactivity I've finally found the energy and inspiration to write a song. And this is it, freshly off the note pad... :D
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SMILE?
What happened to your smile?
It's been gone for quite a while
You used to laugh and grin
Like every day's a win
But that's not now your style
The past is dead and gone
And nothing can be done
To bring it back to life
No matter how you try
That war cannot be won
And every time you dwell upon what was
You feel yourself creep nearer to the lost
Thee seasons turn like windmills in a gale
You've lost count of the times that you have failed
What happened to those eyes?
They used to shine so bright
But now they're empty shells
The mirror of a self
That knows it's all a lie
Your dreams were never real
They weren't part of the deal
The cards that you were dealt
Were hardly any help
In breaking through Fate's shield
And every time you dwell upon what was
You feel yourself creep nearer to the lost
Thee seasons turn like windmills in a gale
You've lost count of the times that you have failed
What happened to your heart?
It used to beat so hard
But now you'd hardly know
It's clinging on to hope
Desperate for that tiny spark
We used to have such fun
Each day another run
We used to set our sights
On mysteries, and life
Was all a yet to come
And every time I dwell upon what was
I feel you creeping nearer to the lost
Thee seasons turn like windmills in a gale
We've lost count of the times that we have failed
What happened to your smile... ?
Oh, such a sad lyric! Suitable for the times, I suppose. I don't understand "Thee seasons". Unless it's supposed to be "The seasons"?
There are moments when the rhythm feels out of sync, but a proper melody can easily fix it by defining where the accents go.
The image of "windmills in a gale" is vivid and expresses well how fast time can fly.
Good job illustrating a mood that feels hopeless!
Vicki
I really like "windmills in a gale" as well. It would be great to see more such picturesque moments throughout. More showing, less telling.
A sad story and nice storytelling. I agree with others that adding some poetic interest through metaphors - the windmill reference is really strong and I'd to see more of that, e.g.
We were a shining light
Fireflies dancing in the night
Lying in the summer sun,
Dreaming of tomorrows yet to come.
May not be your style of course.
Good work.