hi again
I thought I'd share another
this is my most recently written song, also for my 4th album
Verse 1
I see you, you walk the line
You're disappointed all the time
Nothing's enough, enough, enough for you
You walk by, mask for a face
No smile to uphold that grace
You're lustrous, lustrous, but only to you
Prechorus
Maybe if you let me I could hold you when it hurts
Or would you just forget me like a depersonalized hearse
Hoping for the camera flash but you can't see the light
Among the darkness of your life
The darkness of your life
Verse 2
See the drive by California
Take a picture for your friends cause they'll adore ya
Spend your money almost every single step
Your eyes are shining while your happiness is burning to death
Prechorus
Cause the hierarchy never changes
You're the rich, you tell the pages
Flaunt your life but you just like to forget
Buy designs and waste your time
A mind that's numb is not a mind
Live in excess, pretend your not depressed
Chorus
All the souls that walk this lonely road
They hope to find a destined home
Weighed down by plastic overgrowths
Reduced to just faux skin and bones
They feign the ignorance we see
Believe this is what life's to be
Intoxicated by their greed
To feed and feed and feed and feed and bleed
Outro
It's the end of the valley here, the end of the road
The end to your suffering, the end to your loathe
It's a bittersweet tragedy, the only thing you know
And you'll find another road to walk alone (walk alone)
Walk alone (find another home)
Walk alone, walk alone
Till you find another home
All the souls that walk this lonely road believe that it's their home
It's all you know
Walk alone till you find another home
thanks,
sircus.
Thanks for sharing again! I like a lot of what's here. In particular, I think that the meter mostly has a nice smooth flow to it. I liked how it went when I sang it to myself to get the feel, so I actually went ahead and created a recording of myself doing it again, just to show how it "sounded" to me:
https://app.box.com/s/rzevqx7jznjbyewpfk78qjoz87w9raed
What I had a little more trouble with was the irregularity of the structure. I don't really know how to make anything of the section labels as written -- we've got a pre-chorus that doesn't have a chorus after it, a "chorus" that never repeats, and no two sections with the same shape. They all work individually, but I find it difficult to make sense of the journey. Where there are repeated or recurring elements, it seems improvisational and arbitrary.
There were a couple of wordier spots where I got tripped up on the meter in my quick vocal improv, but you can catch those easily enough in the recording if you care to listen. Where it's hard for a singer to improv, it may also be hard for a listener to follow.
Let me see if I have any specifics on the lyrics. "Loathe" as a noun (usually a verb, and "loathing" for the noun) is odd in a way that feels more like a mistake than an intentional twist. "Destined home" feels flat to me, maybe "destination home"?
"walk the line" in the first line doesn't work too well for me -- first of all, it's a famous Johnny Cash song title, and it's hard to get away from that implicit reference. But even disregarding that, I just don't see this image being reinforced enough by what's around it to add up to much impact. It's too forgettable.
Some good moments: "a mind that's numb is not a mind" has nice prosody. I like the imagery of "weighed down by plastic overgrowths" (maybe just "overgrowth" though, since it's a noncount noun).
Hmmm. I guess overall I wound up with the vague sense that I know what kind of stuff the song is about, but I couldn't really tell you what story it's telling, or what part of the story we're looking at in each section. To some extent it's just the irregular structure.
@snargleplax thank you for your insight again! and for recording your own version
I can see what you mean with the structure being slightly confusing, but to be honest that's just something I do with most of my songs to switch things up a little haha. I also forgot to change the first 'prechorus' to a 'refrain' or something, so thanks for reminding me there haha.
obviously the tune of your rendition is different to the one I had in my head while writing it, but it was cool to hear someone sing it in their own style (as I cannot sing to save myself)