Hello I thought I would submit this song for review, any and all criticism appreciated.
(Genre, Blues, Jazz)
TITLE
The Gamblers Blues
I don't play the cards, I don't roll the dice
my game of choice, a slot and ice
a scotch for me, I'm on the go
a slot machine with a bad ass tone
that's it you know, that's my choice,
a good old slot, with a singer's voice
I play for hours, I play for days
but the slot machine, it always has its ways
statistics say, that I will lose
but all the sights and sounds you see
for me, I bet on through, with ease
(CHORUS)
the gamblers blues, just watch the floor
how many people come back for more
the gamblers blue's, a pointless game
just how much money, could I have saved
{x1 repeat}
for all the players, it's all the same
from flashing lights, to blackjack games
roulette you see, a loser's way
statistics say, you will lose your pay
and that's a fact in every joint
from Vegas down to New Orleans
the tables tilt against, the likes of me
the longer you play, the more you lose
that's my life, the gamblers blues
try baccarat or poker too
its all the same, the house slays you
they don't care if you have a win
they know you will be back, in time again
they smile and wink as they walk on past
welcome to hell, someone fill my glass
(CHORUS)
the gamblers blue, just watch the floor
how many people, come back for more
the gamblers blues, a pointless game
just how much money, could I have saved
{X1 repeat}
if you've got their cash, oh this you see
a better room, it's yours for free
they groom you when your wallets fat
of course you know, they want it all back
when you wake, your bills are paid
then back again, with a poker face
perhaps you'll win, more likely lose
the house it wants your shirt and shoes
this grooming act from up above
a sleazy way, to change your luck
this is my life, this is my way
I play the slots, both night and day
(CHORUS)
the gamblers blues, just watch the floor
how many people, come back for more
the gamblers blues, a pointless game
just how much money could I have saved
{X1 Repeat}
and now you see, this song comes clean
there's no more cash, left here for me
just save your cash and live your dreams
in time you'll find, a better scene
but this I say in truth, not jest
casinos are a worthless mess
flashing lights and blaring sounds
all designed to make me, put my money down
don't get fooled, their all the same
a legal swindle, to take your hard earned away
(CHORUS)
the gamblers blues, just watch the floor
how many people, come back for more
the gamblers blues, a pointless game
just how much money, could I have saved
{X2 repeats}
END
The first thing I noticed--the verses are not parallel. Typically, verses will be parallel. That means you have a specific melody for your verse and you can sing any one of the verses to that exact melody. Some of your verses are longer than others, so a melody that fits the shortest verse won't work for your longer verses; it will be too short for them. A melody that fits the longest verse will have a bit of empty space when you use it for a shorter verse. That being said, inconsistent verses CAN be made to work, but it isn't typical.
Secondly, I noticed your rhyme scheme is inconsistent in the verses. This is partly related to the different lengths of your verses, but not completely. Again, this can be done, but it isn't typical.
In both those instances, a situation where it would work is if you are writing a very unstable song. A 100% stable song is one in which everything is wonderful and there is no tension or trouble at all. Few songs would be 100% stable, but some are close (like love songs in which two people are in love and are looking forward to a wonderful life together). An unstable song is one in which things are not good and maybe the protagonist can't see a way out of a dilemma or something. Lost love songs tend to be unstable.
I would say there is some instability in your song, but the protagonist sounds like s/he has made a choice and is sticking with it, so there is stability as well. The last line in the chorus makes a good case for the song being unstable. I don't think it's unstable enough to justify the inconsistent verses, but that is just my opinion and may not be valid.
Now, some specific ideas for you:
Verse 1 Line 8
I suggest leaving out "it" and say, "but the slot machine always has its ways". I think that flows better with the rhythm you have established.
Verse 2 Line 1
I suggest changing "for all the players" to "for every player". The reason is to eliminate one repetition of the word "all" in the line. Again, that's a personal preference.
Verse 2 Lines 4 and 13
I suggest changing "you will" to "you'll". Again I think this will flow better with the rhythm you have established.
Verse 3 Line 1
I suggest "if you get their cash..." Once more, I think this will flow better with your rhythm, and the sound is cleaner than if you say "you've"
Verse 4 Lines 8 and 10
In my opinion, these two lines have too many syllables compared to the rhythm of the rest of the lines in the verses. There are no doubt various ways to fix this. The first line could just omit the first word "there's". Line 10 is more difficult. I haven't thought of a way to keep the meaning exactly the same. One idea might be to say, "They smile while they take your earnings away." But that doesn't have quite the same impact that words like "swindle" and "legally" have.
That's what I noticed as I looked through your song. Oh, and I noticed the protagonist hasn't really made a good choice to stick with; I didn't catch that on my first read-through, so the song is more unstable than I originally thought.
I hope you find something helpful there. Use what works for you and dump the rest.
Vicki
hello Vicki, thanks for the tips on the lyrics site regarding my gambler's song, that was just what I was looking for, I have been thinking about taking an online songwriter course, as I find it all, thoroughly enjoyable. I just hope it doesn't cost a fortune, thanks again, Stephen Eastwood, Western Australia
@Stephen Eastwood -- I think you've composed a solid set of lyrics. Do you have plans to record it? I often watch numerous old western shows like The Virginian, Bonanza, and the Rifleman. These lyrics would work well in a song featured in one of those types of shows.
It's challenging to offer any suggestions for change without knowing the melody and meter of the song.
Perhaps in this line, the word 'all' may not be needed:
of course you know, they want it all backAnd not to be the grammar and spelling police, but 'their' should be 'they're':
don't get fooled, their all the sameI hope you decide to record this and bring the song to life! :D
Stephen, I really think you're trying to run before you can walk. There is a lot of information on line about song structure, rhyming patterns, story arc, show don't tell and much more. This song is massive, way too many words, and it's just a lot of rhyming couplets added together. Your verses need to be shorter, 4 to 6 lines, each word needs to count, to move the story forward. The verses, the choruses, the bridge and pre-choruses should be structured differently to each other. You'll need to learn how syllable count and stress patterns should tie into the melody. All this can be learned free if you take the time to study the craft.
Good luck with it.
There are many good lines in this set. It's definitely a blues refrain and can be set to that 12 bar standard. But, it must be rendered to 4-line stanzas that carry the same rhyming pattern to keep the rhythm and flow of that meter.
The first verse is 11 lines long and could lose the bottom three. The second verse is 15 lines long and could lose the bottom six. I know there's much to say about the gambling blues but there's just as much validity to rendering a song. The lines I suggest removing can be assembled into another verse if they need to be in the song. That's your poetic task. Adjust all verses to the same number and cadence.
The chorus is solid but singing it twice loses my patience as an audience. Let the gravity of the chorus ring hard with its own character. That'll be enough presence between the verses. Perhaps it can close the song twice but I would probably change the last line or two to drop the hammer on the point of the whole song.