Songwriter Forum

I haven't been on the forum for ages, I've not written much for a quite a few months.  I thought I'd try something new so this is my latest effort.


These are the lyrics

I've never been lucky in love

Verse1

Appreciating the barista's skill while I waited in a line to pay
I could see through the steam on the window pane it was going to be a miserable day
My attention was drawn to a girl in the queue I think it might have been something she said 
And when I caught her eye and she gave me a smile I felt the heat, from my face turning red

Chorus
I've never been lucky in love
Is she the girl that I'm dreaming of
This time it's going to be alright
Think I'm going to ask her out tonight

Verse2

Slow down don't get ahead of yourself, you really think she's flirting with you?
Can't you see it was an innocent smile the kind of thing a stranger would do
Look at her she's a beautiful woman you'd be punching way above your weight
But don't regret it for the rest of your life ask her out or it'll be too late

I've never been lucky in love
Is she the girl that I'm dreaming of
This time it's going to be alright
Think I'm going to ask her out tonight

Cool as a cucumber I gave her my number convinced I wouldn't hear anything
But when it started to snow and I got up to go my telephone started to ring
Unknown caller my heart was racing half expecting it to be a scam
But I picked it up and heard a sweet voice say I'm guessing you know who I am

I've never been lucky in love
Is she the girl that I'm dreaming of
This time it's going to be alright
Think I'm going to ask her out tonight

Over excited I practiced recited everything I was thinking ahead
But my tongue wasn't playing and I ended up saying something totally different instead
She said do you know a little bar we can go to somewhere that isn't too bright
I knew the perfect place and we met face to face we were falling in love at first sight

At last I've been lucky in love
She was the girl I've been  dreaming of
Now I know everything is alright
Cos I'm going take her out tonight

Very cute piece! Unique with verses high and choruses low--illustrates what's going on. That is, the verses are what's happening--the high. Choruses are his somewhat negative expectations--the low. You certainly have a lot of words in a short space, snappy, moves right along. Illustrates his probable frenetic mood.

I noticed internal rhymes in the second two verses but not the first two. To me that illustrates how the situation is all up in the air for the first half of the song and then it's lining up and getting more settled in the second half.

I really appreciate your writing "beautiful woman" instead of "beautiful girl". One of my pet peeves is songs about "men" and "girls".

Works for me.

Vicki

Thanks for listening Vicki, glad you enjoyed it.

This is a terrific track. Modern and very catchy. Nothing to criticise about this at all. Glad you were lucky in love! I really enjoyed this. :)

The intro really piqued my interest - and then I loved the beat when it came in

I think you could signpost the chorus section so that it stands out a bit more - the "dance vibe" pre-chorus section sounds like it is about to setup a big chorus - but it then loses a bit of energy when the chorus actually comes in

However - having said that, I absolutely LOVE the "lazy" vocal delivery along with the plodding beat of the song, which is REALLY effective

Overall, a VERY enjoyable listen - great job

Hola @calafinestrat
It's a soooo catchy song love the ambient, sound, arrangement, lyrics and vocals delivery!!! Me ha encantado, new look in your music, It's like you're a new person,