Songwriter Forum

Hi everyone! I am new here and also new to songwriting. I wrote this song and I just want any feedback that could tie this song together. It is a dark love story and I spent a few days reworking it and making it the song I want it to be. the chorus and the bridge is what I am having the most trouble with. So any feed back will be helpful and also maybe feedback on a potential title!
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Verse 1: Everything is whatever
when I'm without you
i want to paint the town red forever with you
maybe we were meant to
lay in bed together
watching this town go down
as we dry each others tears
while living our deepest fears

Chorus: No one can stop us baby
hell will be waiting later once were better
we've already let go of hopes of a future
life's brutal
but its just for us to know
one last adventure before we hit the road down below.

Verse2: Beautiful losers
with no place in life
perfect abuses
when given a knife
we'll leave a bloody mess for everyone to see
until the end
where we are meant to be
I'll wear a red dress
to show off to the rest
in our final days
don't get jealous baby
just do what he says

[chorus]

Bridge: we will run this world until we die
you'll wear the tie
as we wait for it to end
lets spend this day having fun
one last hit and run then we're done
its over
he's taking us away
we've been waiting for this day

@b1oodypr1nc3ss -- First, welcome to to the forum. :D Your lyrics are interesting and evocative. In some parts, it's easy to imagine a melody and the meter of the words, but in other parts, it's challenging. I do think this can be crafted into a good song. Do you have a melody and chord structure in mind? I hope you produce a demo for us to hear. I would enjoying listening to its development. :D

I liked these lines from the bridge the most:

we will run this world until we die
you'll wear the tie
as we wait for it to end
lets spend this day having fun
one last hit and run then we're done
its over
he's taking us away
we've been waiting for this day

Very suspenseful lines!

With some polish, your lyrics could fit nicely in a thriller or horror movie. In fact, I watched a very cool suspense/thriller this morning called "Gone Girl" from 2014. A track featuring your lyrics would work well in a film like that.

BTW, lyrics-only are typically posted in the 'Lyrics' sub-forum, but don't worry. An administrator will probably move it for you. :D

Cheers,
Joseph

 

I agree with @icystorm about imagining a melody--easy in some places, challenging in others. Your imagery is good and this would work great as a kind of free form poetry. And it would also be possible to get it set to music in its present form, though it would take some finagling. If you don't have ideas for how to do that, try suno.com. It has a free version, so you could experiment a little.

Making the rhythms more consistent for verses would take a little work. Take the verse you like the most and map out the strong and weak beats. Then take the other verse and rewrite it to make the lines match rhythmically. That way you'll have two verses that will fit the same melody, which is what verses normally do.

I really like the opening lines: "Everything is whatever when I'm without you". They clearly show how the singer feels without very many words.

I hope you keep working on this and share it with a melody eventually.

Vicki