It's easy to recall the iconic role of the beautiful Lady Jessica, played by the talented and lovely actress Francesca Annis, in the 1984 sci-fi hit film Dune.

Well that's an interesting theme. To me it appears to have a structure defining it's present day definition and feels in the first verse and second paints an alternative, or setup reasons behind it... maybe a historical application?  I guess it depends on how you look at it!   But, then again I wouldn't have come up with "Ghosting"

I also like the subtle chorus change "Soft shade/ Soft fade"  Almost unnoticeable

I've got to point one there are some variations in the syllable count and meter between the first and second verses.  I wonder if it might be a little difficult in certain parts for one person sing and play live as is; without a little re-sculpting here and there!

Nice one all round.

@Billy_Lunch_Money – These lyrics are interesting and read well. I can imagine the song, but look forward to your track when its ready.

The only question I have:

"I know a cold wind blowing." # Did you mean "cold wind's blowing"?

If you meant 'wind' singular, as slang or to fit the meter, not a problem. Just asking.

Regarding the four lines you think may need improvement, shown below, let's look at those.

It might not be right!<<
Do you think it'd even be okay?<<

[...]

Tried to make wrongs right.<<
Oh Lo-rd, I re-ally tried.<<

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with those. Still, I get what you mean about questioning those yourself. I do the same. I listen to my full song and try to sense where the weakest lines are and try to make them better. From my perspective, the four lines you highlighted for possible improvement already read well and fit well in your lyrics, IMO. No changes needed.

The full set of lyrics work well! Good job! I look forward to hearing it set to music.

Cheers,
Joseph

@Billy_Lunch_Money – Thank you for reviewing my lyrics, man! I always develop the melody and chords with a title in mind first, and then the lyrics follow once I have the music established. I usually just write lyrics that sound best to me. Sometimes it rhymes and sometimes not, but it has to sound "good" together and fit the meter of my staccato vocals as I intend to sing it. Nothing new or "right"... just my take.

Check out the thread in the bar for more on this subject and feel free to weigh in.

To rhyme or not to rhyme

Okay folks,

I have a set of incomplete and very rough draft here, I marked lines at the end with 2 left facing chevrons (<<) where I think it needs improvement, but can't think of anything. Oh the Hyphens' mid word are reminders to me on how I'm going to sing it.  If anyone has any suggestions that might spark food for thought I'd very much appreciate it.


[Verse]
How could I know,
Why couldn't I just see it?
What would you say?
If you knew I even felt this way!

[Pre Chorus]
Turn the dark into light.
And then day to the night.
It might not be right!<<
Do you think it'd even be okay?<<

[Chorus]
I feel some things unfolding
I know a cold wind blowing.
Why am ju-st not go-ing.
I feel the cold winds now...

[Verse]
Tried to make wrongs right.<<
Oh Lo-rd, I re-ally tried.<<
What should I do
To I make these feelings go away!

[Pre Chorus ]
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
[Chorus]

Now I close my eyes
And wait for dawnin light.
Please don't go away,
brighten  the darkest of my days.

Hey Dude,

These quite a set of lyrics.

I hope none of this comes across the wrong way.  I'd really like to get a better understanding of yours and my own thought process when song/lyric writing

When I'm reading anyones' lyrics I kind of put my brain in neutral.  It helps me find the rhyme and meter and in turn a melody in my head. 

Now, what I have noticed is syllabically speaking your verses match the next closely.  So the overall meter is there.  But there doesn't seem to be much in the line rhyme?  So, I'm wondering was it a conscious choice or perhap it helps to convey the theme more succinctly or  is it some other mechanism I know nothing about?
 
Rhyming isn't an absolutely necessity, though personally I find it an aid to singing with more flow.

I previously posted Sharon Van Etten's studio version of her song Seventeen. The version below is recording of her live performance of the song. Awesome! Her voice reminds me a bit of Stevie Nicks.  

Seventeen (Live at 3RRR)

Welcome to the forum @Billy_Lunch_Money. It's good to see you again. I look forward to hearing your latest tracks soon.

Cheers,
Joseph

Hi I'm Oz (AKA Billy_lunch_Money for those of you who know me from another site!)
In spite of being a web and software developer for many years, I've never been a fan of A.I. music  and/or AutoTune.  I like a more organic feel (says the Metalhead) and tend to leave my little mistakes in my recordings.  My reason for signing up is to learn from everyone, how to write lyrics better.

I'd like to think I'm singer songwriter...  Hopefully I'm just a work in progress!

The very talented Sharon Van Etten wrote and recorded this cool original song.

Taking Chances