Hi

Here is a new song i have done Its in a Synth Pop Style


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Bird Song - Chwill

Heya, just finished this songwriting project ive been working on, a decent blend of soft indie and psychedelic rock. attempted an abstract songwriting style inspired by Jeff tweedy. any feedback would be amazing!!

Lyrics:
moss in my pocket the breeze knew my name
may i rest in the dirt where the robins once lay
the bugs all pointed and laughed at me
telling me theres other places to be
but the trees dont fly away like the birds
and the trees dont fly away like the birds

commit to it and lay down for a bit
the earth doesnt mind if you give up and quit
and im pleased to see its as sweet as can be
as they cut down down my world

Moss in my pocket and rocks in my shoe
the grass holds my hand and asked me to view
and i see eye to eye with the bees that fly
I give in and try but the leaves dont lie
and the trees dont fly away like the birds

commit to it and lay down for a bit
the earth doesnt like me and I dont give a shit
and im pleased to see its as sweet as can be
as they cut down my world

Quote from: Mora Amaro La Loba on May 11, 2025, 10:36 AMJoeph, sorry but there is a confusion,a misunderstanding, my husband is really sick and his life is in danger but thanks to God because he is alive and doctors say he has a chance.
My English is really so bad that makes you think about a so terrible loss!
@icystorm 

@Mora Amaro La Loba — Thank you for clarifying. It's good to read that your husband is alive and there is hope. I wish him a full recovery. I can only imagine how difficult his illness has been for you and your family. I'm sending you and yours positive thoughts, energy, and wishes for better days ahead. 🙏

Please do not apologize for your English. The fact that you can speak more than one language shows that you are highly intelligent.

I'll review your cool song later today.

Best,
Joseph

Joeph, sorry but there is a confusion,a misunderstanding, my husband is really sick and his life is in danger but thanks to God because he is alive and doctors say he has a chance.
My English is really so bad that makes you think about a so terrible loss!
@icystorm 

Quote from: snargleplax on May 08, 2025, 10:40 AMIncreasingly, I see rhyme as analogous to harmonic tension. The opening of a rhyming structure creates a step away from stability, like moving off of the tonic. The ear expects that rhyme to eventually resolve, just as a chord progression would.

If the resolution comes in too quick and simple a manner, without a meaningful journey, that's often unsatisfying -- whether in the form of a I-V-I progression, or an AABB rhyme structure. There are excellent songs with both of these, and simplicity can serve us, but mostly it's a hazard and these are exceptions that prove the rule.

Toward the other extreme, a journey without discernible structure is difficult to follow, and the listener's interest may fall away. Subverting expectations can be valuable to avoid trite predictability, focus attention on important parts, create a richer texture of tension, etc. But if it gets to the point of just meandering along at random, we lose the sense of having any kind of story to follow.

There's much to contemplate here. Rhyme, to my sense of music, is to resolve music itself. Rhyme is the meter, the harmony, and the structure of music. Basically stated, it goes far to sort the score itself. All too often it assumes a necessity to its use exclusively through conventions.

Greensleeves': "Alas my love you do me wrong to cast me off so discourteously, When I have loved you so long delighting in your company". This verse structure is throughout a song so old its author is lost to antiquity. "Discourteously" and "company" resolve the verse strictly by the use of the letter "Y", which is an artful sampling of alliteration.

Then there are extreme examples of rhyme intended to resolve a piece for the sake of rhyme and poetic expression. The following is a sampling of that -

Of Ancient Drums

I heard it said that a man was dead and no one knew just why
The news was old when I was told with the sun low in the sky
Through a sleepless night and dawning light I searched for words to say   
I knew him well but couldn't tell how I took the news that day

And I heard the ancient drums begin to play.

It is, almost in and of itself, a piece of music sans score. It's the power beneath the runes of the ancients when musical instruments were rare and the oral tradition strong. It gave strength to memory. Over time the musical instrument slowly supplanted much of the power and art form of the spoken word and such use in communication diminished. The chorus of merchants selling wares in an open air market place was steeped in that tradition and still is in the reaches of our world.

Vicki, this song is similar to the Hawaiian Hula songs I've heard in meter, structure, vocal character and delivery. Have you ever heard of Lehua Kalima? Your voice has it's own beautiful character and it sounds to me like you have a range that you can explore more. Very well done.

Quote from: Mora Amaro La Loba on May 10, 2025, 06:55 PMHello, I haven't been able to continue with my work for several months due to the illness that suddenly took my husband's life. Everything has been very difficult, but little by little, hope is breaking through and tearing away the veil of fear, allowing an unexpected sun to appear.

@Mora Amaro La Loba -- That's very terrible news. You have my sincere condolences and sympathy. I hope that you and your family are able to find peace after your devastating loss. Best wishes to you and your family, Mora. 🙏

I will comment separately on your song at a later time.

Kind regards,
Joseph

Hello, I haven't been able to continue with my work for several months due to the illness that suddenly took my husband's life. Everything has been very difficult, but little by little, hope is breaking through and tearing away the veil of fear, allowing an unexpected sun to appear.

It's under that light, and watching our YouTube channel crumble, that I'm sharing this song today, which I love and thinking that many of you don't know.

In a few days, I hope, I'll be able to start composing again. In the meantime... Stay well


While I listen to the voice of the blackbird
I look at your face
wonderinf why why why
it's impossible to change past

I think of a thousand thngs
no clear thought
stands out from the crowd
that stirs in my mnd
screaming words
that cover each other

Everything could be so simple
like the games of children
but you have made me
grave for your dreams and mine

We are dead and alive
under layers of time
turned into stones over our heads

While I listen to the voice of the blackbird
singing singing singing
to the night
to the stars
that are still what they are
intertia over inertia
like our lifes

Thank you @idunno ! See what you think? https://songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php/topic,197.msg1164.html#msg1164