[schahinmusic]

Hi guys,

I wrote a new pop song called '' If I wasn't here''. The song is about leaving your hometown or town you live in for a new and better place.

I'm not a native English speaker so please let me know if there are any errors and what you think about the song in general:


­If I wasn't here

(Intro)
Na na na,  na na na na
Na na na,  na na na na
Na na na,  na na na na
Na na na,  na na na na

(Verse)
Time supposed to heal
all the scars in me
Like an autumn tree
with its changing leaves
Tonight I'll leave and leave behind the dark old me

Mondays flashing by
Like a satellite
that got lost in time
Have I lost my mind
if I tell lies to avoid to break the ice?
­
(Prechorus)
But tonight
it's time to think about the things that we like
It's time to let go all the things that we're tired of
And what we're tired of can not be found in our new town

(Chorus)
If I wasn't here tonight
This place would still be on my mind
wondering if I should try
try to find what I can't hide

It didn't take long to find
another home my mind and I
feel like we are in line
try to find what you can't hide!

(Verse 2)
No more watching paint dry
No more invented lies
Cause what we used to hide
is about to run dry
It's time  leave and leave behind the dark old me

(Prechorus)
Cause tonight
it's time to think about the things that we like
It's time to let go all the things that we're tired of
And what we're tired of can not be found in our new town

(Chorus)
(Intro)
(Chorus)

[CaliaMoko]

Hi!

I noticed your song has no feedback yet, so I thought I'd give it a go.

First verse:

Time is (Or "Time's") supposed to heal
all the scars in me This line sounds a little awkward to me.
Like an autumn tree
with its changing leaves Implies healing scars is like leaves changing color
Tonight I'll leave and leave behind the dark old me To avoid the word "leave" twice so close together, try "Tonight I'll go and leave behind the dark old me."

Mondays flashing by
Like a satellite
that got lost in time
Have I lost my mind
if I tell lies to avoid to break breaking the ice?
­
(Prechorus)
But tonight
it's time to think about the things that we like
It's time to let go of all the things that we're tired of
And what we're tired of cannot be found in our new town

(Chorus)
If I wasn't here tonight
This place would still be on my mind
wondering if I should try
try to find what I can't hide

It didn't take long to find
another home my mind and I
feel like we are in line
try to find what you can't hide!

(Verse 2)
No more watching paint dry
No more invented lies
Cause what we used to hide
is about to run dry
It's time to go leave and leave behind the dark old me

(Prechorus)
Cause tonight
it's time to think about the things that we like
It's time to let go of all the things that we're tired of
And what we're tired of cannot be found in our new town


There's more that I think could use work, but there's a start. I think most of what I noticed is a result of English not being your first language. I was mostly able to decipher what you were trying to say. I would probably not use the word "that" as much unless needed for rhythm.

I am a little confused by the phrases "invented lies" and "find what I can't hide", but that's probably just me.

I hope something here will be useful to you.

Sincerely,
Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

There is tremendous potential in your lyric.  Some real power and some really good word pictures.  

I don't think your English is a hindrance to you.  What I do think is that you wrote this, and haven't critically "crafted it" (i.e. gone through it and made sure every line is "everything it can be" in terms of what you wish to communicate AND in terms of how it flows as a lyric and thus will fit with music.  

It sings quite well and quite easily with only a few (easily fixed) bumps and jars.  That means that if YOU sing it to yourself, you can easily fix those bumps and jars.  You CAN do that.  Just make up a tune or use an existing nursery rhyme or existing song and SING IT.  Doing so will tell you where it doesn't flow.  

And then, just refuse to accept any line in your lyric until it fits and says what you want it to say.  Don't be a perfectionist.... some of them won't completely "bow to your will."  But make each line that isn't quite right to your own ears at least "bend to your will" if not bow to it.  

The crafting of a lyric (and/or a song) is the biggest part of songwriting.  Most of what you (or anyone) will write is a "rough draft" that requires time and effort to "craft" into a complete lyric or song.  That's true of almost everyone.  

But... sometimes (rarely) the first write just flows through you so willingly and completely, that you have to just leave it alone.  When you know the difference, then you have taken a huge step toward being an accomplished songwriter.

Good luck.

[adamfarr]

Hi - I have to agree with everything already said.

You really have some strong material here - the two first verses worked really well for me. On the other hand, I couldn't get into the pre-chorus - to me it sounded confusing and a bit unmusical. Perhaps it is supposed to give a bit of instability, and I am sure you have a clear idea of how it will sound, but I thought it wasn't up to the standard of the rest.

Definitely agree that this has potential, however!

[mickeytwonames]

Agree this has potential - quite often people write two songs in one and neither really work - that might be happening here - just sayin