I can hear this as either a loud, screamy, rock style piece OR a quiet, meandering, poetical piece--the second of which would sound "wrong" until you get to the end.
Honestly, I didn't think I liked this at all. Until I got to the end. I'm still not sure what I think. I believe I would prefer some kind of foreshadowing throughout the piece, maybe in a chorus, to give us a hint this guy is not as shallow as he appears. Right now there doesn't really seem to be a chorus. In fact, it actually reads more like a poem than a lyric, as there is no consistency to the structure, that I can define, that would fit into a song format.
One nit picky thing that's a personal pet peeve of mine--"and women that think I'm funny". I would change that to "and women who think I'm funny", because--to me--calling people "that" is the same as calling them "it" instead of "she" or "he".
Do you have a melody for this yet? I'd be very interested in hearing how it works as a song.
Vicki