a growing indifference

[Rightly]

I wrote this today
It took a few hours
The music and everything
It'll be fun if it works out

Aah another edit
And another
_________

a growing indifference

roses and thorns will not release me
I try to get along, 'doesn't come easy

it isn't the money or the phony power play
y' just don't want me in the most familiar way

I've seen your eyes with a new distance
that won't be denied, a growing indiff'rence
oh yes, oh my
poor me, and mine

no burning rubber, 'hardly rollin' slow
talk to your lover, go, tell him, let him know

that I've seen your eyes, there's a new fiction
I hereby define a growing indiff'rence
I guess, love resigned
poor me, and mine

now, with a distance
a growing indiff'rence

poor me, and mine


____

R I g h t l y

__

[snargleplax]

There's a nice, somber flow to this, which I like.  It's a good theme.

The storytelling could perhaps be a bit clearer. I'll note a few small things that could contribute to that.

"poor me and mine" is confusing because "me and mine" generally means "me and my family" or perhaps "me and my loved ones". I don't understand what family or loved ones (apart from the now-disinterested lover who is the subject) have to do with the story. I get to the end of the chorus without knowing what to feel.

"Crown of thorns" is a strong image, but also one that's literally thousands of years old. Nothing against using a familiar in an evocative way if you can, but here it doesn't seem to really illustrate the scenario in a clear way. For a first verse, I think we could be getting to the heart of the matter more directly so we know what's being talked about.

The second verse kind of has two ideas going on. I feel like the second two lines are really what it's about, and I'd like to know more of the story there. This is an existing lover who's become disinterested, which implies that they _used_ to want the narrator in that familiar way. I'd like to hear about _change_.

In the third verse, again there seem to be a couple of ideas and I can't tell how they fit together. The first two lines are about the narrator being in motion; the rest seems to be telling the departing lover to "tell him what I know", which I guess is about inconstant affection. Or is the narrator threatening to do the telling? The phrasing doesn't really sound that way, but then, like, where is the narrator going, and why is that relevant?

Actually I guess the thing about having maybe too many ideas applies to the first verse as well. It ends on this idea about the difficulty of moving on, which is plenty of idea for a song in itself. But it doesn't really seem like that's what _this_ song is about. The chorus is about the process of realizing that the narrator's lover is indifferent. If the verses aren't setting up the emotional impact of that specific thing, they feel a bit unfocused.

[Rightly]

Well!
1st, thanks for the insightful critique.
It's a rare thing!

Me and mine
I'll keep. The individual is divided. The singular is many. My sadness will affect all around me. It's an ongoing theme for me of late. I think it elevates the song.
A song is a dialogue between narrator and listener, I don't want to spell it out completely, it's a joint venture.

Your
crown of thorns
Observation is quite astute.
As is literally the case with me
It felt like I was dressed up but the crowning line is like a bad haircut.
It's off balance and strong.
I've changed it. Thanks.

I like the 2nd verse.
It hints at details while not giving it all away. Again, the dialogue.

Third verse.
The narrator is leaving, accepting the end. A hint of bitterness, telling her how to proceed, with an attempt at aligning himself with his powerlessness.

It's isn't relevant where he's going, it's relevant to say goodbye in this way.

I've started production on it. I think the message in the lyrics will be a little more coherent if I get the music right. I don't think it needs to be exact and detailed. Space for interpretation is essential in songs. A 2 way street.

It was a very fresh write and I appreciate your comments. I've changed a little.
I do like
crown of thorns
It's a nice analogy for have a hatful of troubles.

Thanks again.