[Heartland Balladeer]

Hi Folks,

This is the first time I have posted anthing for review, It is the lyric to a song i have writen Called my Fathers old guitar
The lyric was inspiered by my Dad who loves music and has always dabbled with guitar but never got serious about it. He taught me the basics of playing and the story carries on from there.

There is a line in the song that bothers me.
I wont say right now which one it is as I want to see if it its just becuaser im too close to the song.

This does have music but I havnt set up a hosting account for audio yet.
Its a county / folk ballad.

Any feed back is appreciated.

Verse
My Father wasnt much of a player
He would tell you himself the same
never took it all to seriously
he picked a tune like a game
But he taught me my first chords
how to play them with a bar
Said son you'll never be lonely
if you stick with this guitar

Verse
Well, we learned to know one an other
over time our bond grew strong
she taught me how to be a man
through patients and love for song
when came time to lay her down
to rest in her case
like we might never me meet again
a part of me would ache

Chorus
I know that hes thinking of me
and how we've come so far
every time i steal a note, from
my fathers old guitar


Verse
This old box became a friend of mine
a companion to ths day
anything i tried to say
she knew exactly what to play
we've been high, low and in between
togeather weve earned some dings.
a little rought around the edges
but just hear her when she sings

Chorus
I know that hes thinking of me
and how we've come so far
every time i steal a note, from
my fathers old guitar

Verse
My friends went off to college
I took any job i could find
Sometime I wish I'd studied
you know it plays on my mind
my father said be happy son
don fret, we can all be stars
the thing that makes me proud son
is when you pick on that guitar

Chorus
I know that hes thinking of me
and how we've come so far
every time i steal a note, from
my fathers old guitar

every time i steal a note, from
my fathers old guitar

[Paulski]

I thought this was really good - and represents a father/son relationship really well.
There are a few extra syllable in places when reading but if it fits the music - no probs there - after all it is a story song.
Threw me off track a little when you switch to talking about the guitar and you (as opposed to your father and you) in the second verse - maybe use "she" earlier in the 2nd so we get the idea sooner.

Super first post!
Paul

[Vintage54]

     
        Balladeer!
            Dont be afraid of posting more, cause this is decent. Not sure which line is bothering you, but the one that bothers me is  "Together we've made some dings" By "Dings" do you mean the sound produced when the guitar is strummed, not sure. This is the only line that doesn't do it for me, but the rest is just fine.

                         Respect
                            Vintage54

[Heartland Balladeer]

Thanks for the responses Guys, I appreciate it.

Paulski

I know what you mean about the story switching to talking about the guitar in the second verse,
but I am trying to get accross a true account of how the story goes,
When i was 20, A friend of mine showed up at my house out of the blue with an old classical guitar, and said try this, I took it to my Dad who lived about a 120 miles away and he showed me how the basics of how to work it, but then gave me his steel string guitar, the sentiment in the second verse is a true account of how i felt about it, i dint ever want to put it down, it didnt feel right.
I guess what i am saying in a long winded way is how the story is about my relationship with my Dad and the guitar,

Do you think that witching so dramaticaly between the two is too confusing to a first time listener?
I see how going from a he to a she could make someone do a double take.


Vintage,

Togeather we've "earned some dings"

A ding is what generally describes knocks / imperfections in a guitars finish.
Im using it as a metaphore for going through some rought times and coming out the other side.

we've been high, low and in between
togeather weve earned some dings.
a little rought around the edges
but just hear her when she sings


The lines that bother me are in that same verse

This old box became a friend of mine
a companion to ths day
anything i tried to say
she knew exactly what to play

What i am trying to say is, there is an instinctive connection between the player and the guitar knowing what each other is trying to convey, but the wording doesnt sit right for me, But as i say maybe im too close to it.

Thank you both for the feedback, any more wouldbe appreciated.

[Paulski]

Do you think that switching so dramaticaly between the two is too confusing to a first time listener?
I see how going from a he to a she could make someone do a double take.

Switching to "she" is smart. I just thought maybe the first line in the second verse could be something like "That guitar and I were friends" or similar so right away we know who "we" is.

anything i tried to say
she knew exactly what to play

My sugg would be:

anything i tried to sing
she knew exactly what to play

cheers again
Paul

[benjo]

 HEY HB

 yeah you can't beat a lyric about a guitar

 it wasn't really a line that bothered me it was the change from father to her
 for me i would direct your thoughts on the father and you
 or the guitar and you, you can still mention that your father gave you the guitar
 but it would stop any confusion i think

 did struggle with the line with dings in it

                   over all nice write great topic, be nice to hear the music

[adamholden]

I got the ding line. Nice. Have a listen to the Randall knife by Guy Clark.

[lillypilly]

I agree with Paulski
in the second verse first line  the word she threw me as well

"That guitar and I were friends"

otherwise a good write

[Heartland Balladeer]

Adam,

Guy Clark is one of my Hero's and the Randall knife is a work of genious, I was going for that kind of flavour with this song, Im glad you got the ding enalagy, its quite an important part for me.


Hi Lilipilly, thanks for the feed back, Ijust want to explaine the reason I structured the song in this way

Regarding the change from My father to the guitar,
the last line of the first verse reads

Son you will never be lonely if you stick with this guitar

which is a lead in the next verse that discribes the equaintance between me and She (the guitar),
the third verse then solidifies the relations ship with the line This old box became a friend of mine, while the fouth verse goies back to being about my fathers encouragment and ending with the guitar its self.


Does a song have to be obvious at first read? alot of the songs I like unravel after a few listens, this is in no way intended to be a catchy pop song.

I have posted this lyric asking for feed back, whick i greatly appreciate, I dont want to come across as discounting the critiques but just want to expaine the angle it is writen from,
the discussion itself has been good as it has made me look deeper into the song and see things i hadnt before.

Perhaps changing Well we learned to know one another, to So, we learned to know one another may smother the transition between father and guitar, as in the advice to stick with the guitar had been taken on board.

[Bleedin Boy]

This is good. It does a good job of describing the affinity someone can have with a guitar. The line "a part of me would ache" captures this well. I like the repeated line at the end, it finishes the song off well.

[jonpromos]

Your love of rhyme and storytelling really comes across in this. I love how you deal with the subject matter. And the way you tell it. Grammatically, however, it's a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit clunky. But if it makes you feel any better, here's the grand master with grammar mistakes . www.youtube.com/watch?v=YanjY9CsPDQ