[davymac06]

Hi guys and gals,

I'm new to this forum, nad needed like-minded people to help give me some hints and positive criticism on the lyrics i've wrote.

The lyrics are based on wanting to know who a person truly is, and not just basing them for what they are on their outside appearance. True relationships - romantic or friendships - come through some form of knowing the persons true feelings, and not being afraid or shy to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.

I know this isn't of any use, but my influences for starting writing came through John Mayer. He is a good lyricist, and his song meanings can be meaningful and deep from his 3rd-5th albums.

Structure is as follows - Verse 1, Chorus, Verse 2, Chorus, Pre-chorus, Chorus.

Let me know what you guys think.

Thanks,

David.

Verse 1

Come draw near, I’ve something to say
Your darkest secrets, I will take
Your beauty, your sorrow, your peace, your shame
I’m knocking your door, let me in

Chorus

Open your heart, speak your thoughts and put them in a bundle
It’s OK, cause I’ll be your crutch when you begin to stumble
What you cherish and hold dear to your soul
We will become closer when you let me know

Verse 2

Your facial make-up is the realest thing
It can mask who you truly are, just from that smile you give
You’re a gamble, though a risk I’m willing to take
A work of art, a magical mystery

Pre-Chorus:

If I know, and you know it’s right
Through your darkness, I’ll shine a light

[Arkwright]

Hi David... Welcome to the forum.

There are some nice lines in there that create some good imagery. Verse one is strong and sets up the scene quite nicely, but then it becomes a little disjointed for my liking and doesn't have enough content to complete the story. Verse two seems a little rushed and the second line could cause you problems because of the high syllable count compared to line two of verse one.

You have chosen in the main not to use rhymes, which is by no means a bad thing and can be very effective, but then squeezed a rhyme into the first two lines of the chorus which appear a bit contrived and not really necessary. Not sure which word came first (bundle or stumble) but I suspect it could have been 'stumble' and then you were desperately looking for something that rhymed and came up with 'bundle' which for me doesn't really work in the content of the song.

Having said all that, I do like the idea behind the lyrics and I think with a little work, you've got a good song lurking in there somewhere.

Then again, what do I know? I could be way off the mark and others will have a completely different opinion