Hey Benjo,
I wrote my review last night then my iPad battery died :-(
2nd time 'round, not quite so thorough.
Eight verses - first three four lines, then two at five before returning to two more at four, ending on a five line verse. I wonder was this a deliberate decision for the song structure.
I'm going to jump in a various points - might demonstrate how we all write differently - neither way is right or wrong. Verse three "smiling through the hurt" I expected you to end with a rhyme to match words on the second line. First word that springs to mind, "Absurd". That's where I would have gone. Got to say though I'd look for something that was meaningful/true to my own circumstance that incorporates this new word and adds to the song.
Verse 4 "we both scream and WE shout". jumps off the page to me. The addition of we seems to compliment the rhythm here. That's kind of how I write - always wanting to maintain a rhythmic feel. Though sometimes, I'll break that pattern.
Verse 6 - I want to hear 5 syllables and not 7. I think that would really tighten/ tidy this verse up.
The message is loud and clear there's no ambiguity here. My favourite verse begins "not saying that it's over". I look forward to hearing this song develop to music.
Well done my friend!
