[JonnyD]

Been working on this the past few days. It's far from finished, what I'm really stuck with is the chorus. At first the song was going to be called 'Reunited Soon' and the chorus would be just that lyric, however it can't really be repeated after the second verse. Anyone here got any suggestions? The verses are also far from complete. Thanks.

There's a young girl at the corner store
Arms are aching legs are sore
But she's happy standing by the door
She's waiting for her man
Her man he's fighting in the war
Arms are aching, legs are sore
But he's happy lying in his trench
He's coming back home soon

That young man in his trench he lay
Screaming out in desperate pain
The world around him turning grey
Blood running down his arm
And that young girl at the corner store
She's still waiting by the door
With feet heavy on the floor
She knows that something's wrong

Her man lay in the hospital bed
Broken arm and severed leg
He won't be going back to the front
He's done his time in Hell
And now that young girl by his side
Pulls out something from behind
A diamond ring of impressive size
And asks to marry him

They've been together twenty years
They've had their share of love and tears
And between the bouts of doubt and fear
They always found time to laugh
That young girl she ain't young no more
And none of their three legs are sore
There's another pair scampering on the floor
And another two on their way

Feedback really welcome, some parts of this I'm not too happy with. Any ideas for a chorus would also be appreciated. Thank you.

[seriousfun]

This is a lovely tragic/happy story. Its well written and I especially loved the last verse. You tied this up neatly with the focus on the legs. Really well crafted prose.

I see what yiu mean about the problem with a chorus. You have painted yourself into a corner a bit. You could ho with something fairly generic or holistic abiut love. That would fit and be easy to do but the difficulty will be to get a hook in that which identifies with the story.

I will give some thought to that and repost if I think of something.

Nice write.

Allan.


Ps: not alll songs have a chorus

[PeeJay]

Hi Snowman,

A good read and a fine tale. I like a story type lyric.

In the first verse I thought they should both be unhappy rather than happy.  He certainly wouldn't be happy in the trench. You could still say they are looking forward to him going home.

And at the end of the final verse maybe change the line to 'there's another pair scampering on the floor' as all those legs are a bit confusing.

I was thinking of a play on the word 'arms' as a title. As in arms as weapons against loving arms to go home to. But the focus is on legs so don't suppose that would work.

Nice one,

Phil.

[JonnyD]

@seriousfun

Thanks for the feedback - it's a tricky situation, I need something that can consistently make sense throughout. Makes the brain hurt after a while, haha.

@PeeJay

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll definitely re-look at the 'happy lying in his trench' line and replace the 'legs' line with your suggestion, I thought it sounded a little clunky.

I'll look at the arms suggestion, it could also be the basis for a chorus - thanks

[Paulski]

Hi RSM

This is a tough one to review. Some excellent rhyming. There's a great story line in there but I guess with no title or hook to hang its hat on. But I understand from your note it is a work in progress so I'll try to be brutally honest   (keep in mind I might also be FOS)

I think "young" and "girl" are redundant sugg drop the "young" - maybe "worried"?
We don't know why her legs and arms would be sore/aching?
The second verse seems to open in present tense, so - was he injured in the first verse too and you just didn't mention it? Just noticed everything is in present tense - would sugg a switch to past tense from 2nd verse on.
Sugg drop "corner" in the second verse - we already know that.
In verse 3 maybe use "front" in place of "trench" and maybe find a replacement for "young girl"
This line seemed comical to me:

And none of their three legs are sore

I guess you need to walk a fine line here and not make light of a missing leg..

I like Allan's idea of a generic love chorus.

Please don't hate me - there's an unpolished gem here.
Paul

[JonnyD]

Hi RSM

This is a tough one to review. Some excellent rhyming. There's a great story line in there but I guess with no title or hook to hang its hat on. But I understand from your note it is a work in progress so I'll try to be brutally honest   (keep in mind I might also be FOS)

I think "young" and "girl" are redundant sugg drop the "young" - maybe "worried"?
We don't know why her legs and arms would be sore/aching?
The second verse seems to open in present tense, so - was he injured in the first verse too and you just didn't mention it? Just noticed everything is in present tense - would sugg a switch to past tense from 2nd verse on.
Sugg drop "corner" in the second verse - we already know that.
In verse 3 maybe use "front" in place of "trench" and maybe find a replacement for "young girl"
This line seemed comical to me:

And none of their three legs are sore

I guess you need to walk a fine line here and not make light of a missing leg..

I like Allan's idea of a generic love chorus.

Please don't hate me - there's an unpolished gem here.
Paul

Thanks for the feedback! I'm looking for brutal honesty with this, it's not up to scratch yet

With the word 'young', it was originally 'poor' but then I realised that didn't make sense considering the proposal involved a diamond ring. 'Worried' wouldn't fit the music too well, it needs to have one syllable ideally. Perhaps 'sad'? I'm not sure. That verse was written before I came up with the story, so I'm not even sure why her limbs are aching... I guess I justified it in my mind by saying she's aching because she's worried.

I'll look at jiggling around the tenses - having the past tense from 2nd verse on is something I hadn't considered, but will do now

I'll relook at the 'trench/front' substitution

It would be tricky to remove 'corner' with the music, but I'll look at it

As for the 'three legs' line, I'm not too sure about it either. I wouldn't want it to be taken the wrong way.

Thanks for the feedback, it's all been taken on board

[Marrianna]

Hi Rockingsnowman:

Your words are interesting and tragic but bringing hope.

I read it that the young girl had been working at the store and so her legs were aching and her arms were sore. She was then waiting for her man later.

I didn't really think they could be that old when there is the mention of 20 years but you say the young girl 'ain't young any more' but that isn't really all that important.

I think that the last few lines need to be thought out a bit more because the reference to the legs gets confusing to me. Perhaps you had scope for another verse to elaborate on the last clever idea as well.

Thankyou for sharing such a thought provoking work.

Marrianna

[JonnyD]

Hi Rockingsnowman:

Your words are interesting and tragic but bringing hope.

I read it that the young girl had been working at the store and so her legs were aching and her arms were sore. She was then waiting for her man later.

I didn't really think they could be that old when there is the mention of 20 years but you say the young girl 'ain't young any more' but that isn't really all that important.

I think that the last few lines need to be thought out a bit more because the reference to the legs gets confusing to me. Perhaps you had scope for another verse to elaborate on the last clever idea as well.

Thankyou for sharing such a thought provoking work.

Marrianna

Thanks - maybe I'll change it to 30 years, it depends on how old they are when they meet I suppose... I know at some point the whole reproduction thing kinda stops working...

Thanks for your feedback