[KaelJay]

Hello everyone!

I just wrote some new lyrics a few days ago. I tried to use the advice I got with my other lyrics. This song is very powerful and different unlike any of my other writings.

This song is about a poor boy who always worked hard. But his dream to succeed never happened. So he started to do alcohol and drugs. Then he questions himself why would he do this to himself?

It would really help me if you'd give feedback and comment. Hope you like it!

The Boy (Where Am I?)

Chorus:
Where Am I? Where Am I?
How did I end up this way?
Where did I; Where did I
Really went lost?

Verse:
Before, I was an innocent youngster
Who grew up poor and struggling
I’ve always dreamed of being greater
Yet now, I’m still yearning

But I surrendered to the bad vice
That lead me to the pain and sadness
My actions cost me with a price
Why would I join this madness?

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

Verse:
Then I ended up in a garbage dumpster
Couldn’t recall what I did last night
Now, I feel weaker than before
Couldn’t even put up a fight

(Repeat Chorus 2x)
 
Bridge:
Where is the boy I used to be?
Someone I knew who looked after me
Where is the boy I used to be,
Who lead the lead I wanted to see?

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

(Repeat Bridge 2x)

[den]

nice idea/theme, have you got any music for this, cant imagine if this is a ballad or up tempo, would like to hear this set to music.

[CaliaMoko]

You are definitely showing improvement with these lyrics. I'm glad to see you are thinking about the suggestions you're getting and using them to improve your writing. I have some remarks inline below.

The Boy (Where Am I?)

Chorus:
Where Am I? Where Am I?
How did I end up this way?
Where did I; Where did I
Really went lost? Poor grammar.  ]It should be "Really go lost?" Or you could come up with a different way to say it.

Verse:
Before, I was an innocent youngster
Who grew up poor and struggling
I’ve always dreamed of being greater
Yet now, I’m still yearning

But I surrendered to the bad vice  Are you trying to say you gave in to bad advice?
That lead me to the pain and sadness The word "lead" should be "led".
My actions cost me with a price  Awkward wording: Maybe "My actions made me pay the price." ? This could use more work.
Why would I join this madness?  Feels like you're reaching for something--anything--to rhyme here. Do you have a rhyming dictionary? They are very handy! And, because of the topic of this song, I would classify it as "unstable". Using rhymes that are not perfect supports an unstable song. (Perfect rhymes are like: time, lime, rhyme. And this is a list of unperfectly rhyming words: time, tide, lies, pride, trite, pine)

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

Verse:
Then I ended up in a garbage dumpster
Couldn’t recall what I did last night
Now, I feel weaker than before
Couldn’t even put up a fight

This verse is weaker than the first verse. You don't need both words: garbage, dumpster. It is enough to say you were in the garbage. Or you were in the dumpster. And "woke up" might work instead of "ended up". Llike "Then I woke up in a dumpster". "Couldn't recall" is okay, but "Don't remember" might also work, like: "Don't remember what I did last night". Then I'm not sure what idea you're trying to get across with the last two lines. Weaker than what? And you haven't been talking about fighting, so I don't know what you're trying to put up a fight against.

(Repeat Chorus 2x)
 
Bridge:
Where is the boy I used to be?
Someone I knew who looked after me
Where is the boy I used to be,
Who lead the lead I wanted to see?

I have some trouble with the bridge. What are you saying in line 2? Did you used to know someone who looked after you. I don't understand the last line at all. I think the first "lead" is supposed to be "led", but I have no idea what the second "lead" means. Should it have been "life"? Making the line "Who led the life I wanted to see?" Although that still doesn't quite make sense. You could think about moving from the past to the present and make the last line, "Where is the man I wanted to be?"

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

(Repeat Bridge 2x)

All in all, these lyrics are stronger than what I've seen of your work previously, so you're improving. Keep it up! The more you write and work at improving, the better you will get.

And I should point out that I am VERY picky!

Vicki

[KaelJay]

Thanks Vicki for giving feedback ! You're a really good help and you especially have an eye for improvement! Below, I have clarified some part you may have not understood.

Chorus
In the line part of the chorus, that was a continuous part to the third line.

Verse 2:
In the first line, I wrote "But I surrendered to the bad vice" to try say "I gave up that I went drinking and doing drugs etc.

Verse 3:
In the third line (Now, I feel weaker than before), I was trying to say that "I feel guilty and ashamed because of my addiction". In the fourth line (Couldn't even put up a fight), I was saying that "I can't control and defeat my struggles and addiction".

Bridge:
In the second line, I was trying to say "Where was the 'Good Me' from before?'. In the fourth line, I was saying that 'Before, I dreamed and persevered to succeed'. And yes, it was life - not lead.

This might clarify some things you were confused about. Thanks for the feedback! And Happy New Year!

Mikael

[mickeytwonames]

Heavy stuff - good writing - the only comment I have - and I've realized about my writing - is that modern day lyrics seem to no longer fit the verse - Chorus - bridge - story telling sequence of old. With peoples attention span now being that of a gnat us song writers need to re-invent the song for modern taste - just sayin