[CaliaMoko]

PLEASE NOTE: If I'm asking too much with this post, please ignore it. I thought it might be interesting to some.

In 2012 my quartet released a CD that included a song called "The Undertaker Man" from 1911, written by Chris Smith. The words were dated, so--since the copyright had expired--I changed them for the CD. This song was a last minute addition to replace another song that didn't work out. I was at the studio browsing the Johns Hopkins online sheet music collection while the studio owner/engineer was putting final touches on the rest of the songs for the CD. I found this song, changed some of the words in a hurry, coded the piano music into my laptop, and we (the studio owner and I, that is) recorded it quickly (if you listen closely, you'll notice one whole word is completely missing on the recording).

Since this isn't my own original work, I'm not posting in the Lyric forum, but I'm interested in feedback on the updated words as I'd like to keep the song in my repertoire, but the words I edited in haste aren't what I want for the final version. I've included the original words for anyone interested, as well as the words as I recorded them, and finally the words I for which I am seeking feedback.

The recording from the CD is here: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/the-undertaker-man

For those interested, the sheet music at the Johns Hopkins site is here: The Undertaker Man. There's lots of good stuff on that site, if a person has the time and the bandwidth to spend browsing.

Here are the original words from the sheet music (I added some punctuation):

THE UNDERTAKER MAN

Verse 1
Cinderella Jackson from a town in Minnesota
She had four different fellow friends who used to come and court her
One was a barber man, the other was a baker
The third a railroad porter and the fourth an undertaker
The barber he was sharp and keen; the baker had the dough
The porter was a sport; the undertaker was dead slow
The four met Tuesday evening and it was a love contest,
She had to choose the one she loved the best
Each one thought he'd get the chance to wed
Until the dainty Cinderella said

Chorus x2
I don't mind talking and I don't mind walking with the baker man, that's true
I likes to grin and I likes to chin with the railroad porter too
I pets the barber when he comes around and I calls him "Precious Lamb"
But there ain't nothin' doin' at all with the undertaker man.

Verse 2
After Cinderella made her frankest declaration
The undertaker soon awoke from his imagination
There sat the barber man, the baker and the porter
All laughing cause the other geezer couldn't come to court her
The undertaker felt real hurt, said he, "Now listen, men,
You all may laugh and joke me but I'll nail her in the end"
"You haven't got the slightest chance," the lady did exclaim
"Why you could never never change my name
Marry you, not on your life," said she
"I wouldn't have you on a Christmas tree"

Chorus x2

*****

Then this is the way I recorded it:

Verse 1
Cinderella Jackson from a town in Minnesota
Had four different fella friends who used to come and court her
One was a barber man, another was a baker
The third a railroad porter and the fourth an undertaker
The barber, he was sharp and keen; the baker had the dough
The porter was a sport; the undertaker was dead slow
Each man of the four thought he was better than the rest
She had to choose the one she loved the best
Which of them would Cinderella wed
"I'll tell you this," our Cinderella said,

Chorus
I don't mind talkin' and I don't mind walkin' with the baker man, that's true
I like to croon and I like to spoon with the railroad porter, too
I squeeze the barber when he comes around and I call him "Precious Lamb"
But there ain't nuthin' doin' at all with the undertaker man

Verse 2
After Cinderella made her candid declaration
The undertaker soon awoke from his imagination
There sat the barber man, the baker and the porter
All laughing cuz the undertaker couldn't come to court her
The undertaker felt real hurt, said he, "Now listen, men
You all may laugh and mock me but I'll get her in the end
She said, "You haven't got a chance and you will surely find
That you could never, ever change my mind
Marry you? Not ever in my life,
Would I consent to be your wedded wife.

Chorus

****

And finally, here is my current version.

VERSE 1 is the same as the recorded (green) version

CHORUS is the same as the recorded (green) version except for the last line:
I don’t mind talkin’ and I don’t mind walkin’ with the baker man, that’s true
I like to croon and I like to spoon with the railroad porter too
I squeeze the barber when he comes around and I call him “precious lamb”
But there ain’t no way I’d even spend a day with the undertaker man.

VERSE 2 has several changes:
After Cinderella made her candid declaration
The undertaker heaved a sigh and said in desperation
“All of you—the baker man, the barber and the porter
All gloating ‘cuz you heard her say I’m not allowed to court her.
You’ll be sorry, just you wait and see; I’ll be avenged.
You all may laugh and mock me, but I’ll nail her in the end!
You’re laughing now but this I know, it always ends the same
I’ll be the winner in this waiting game.”
She said, “Oh no, and you will surely find
That you can never, ever change my mind.”

[rikgrimesisdead]

 i really like it,the edgy vibe to the lyrics is on point....bravo vic 

[GuyBarry]

Hi Vicki,

Why did you change the lyrics from the original at all?  Both of your revised versions work really well, but I can't see what you objected to in the original version.  As a rule I don't tend to change lyrics unless I think the audience won't understand something.

[CaliaMoko]

@rikgrimesisdead
Thanks for compliment!

@GuyBarry
I changed the lyrics because, to me, they felt awkward and didn't flow smoothly. I felt like it was a song someone threw together in a hurry and didn't take the time to work out better words. There were probably a few words that some younger people wouldn't have understood (eg, "I like to chin"), but the flow was my main reason. There was one tongue-twister spot--I forget where it was--that was really difficult to do. I think that's what got me started thinking about a rewrite.

I do have to confess that I nearly always end up changing words on old public domain songs, if I use them. It must be a streak of arrogance somewhere in me that makes me think I can do better. 

[GuyBarry]

I do have to confess that I nearly always end up changing words on old public domain songs, if I use them. It must be a streak of arrogance somewhere in me that makes me think I can do better. 

Well, if it's public domain I suppose you can do what you like with it!  I didn't quite get "I like to chin" either but I think you can guess the meaning from the context.  (I suspect that some younger listeners wouldn't understand your replacement "I like to spoon" either.)

There's something frustrating about the way that song ends.  The first verse says "She had to choose the one she loved the best."  In my mind it feels as though there ought to be a third verse where the undertaker does something clever to win Cinderella's heart and get his revenge on the other suitors, but it never comes.  Do you agree? 

[CaliaMoko]

There's something frustrating about the way that song ends.  The first verse says "She had to choose the one she loved the best."  In my mind it feels as though there ought to be a third verse where the undertaker does something clever to win Cinderella's heart and get his revenge on the other suitors, but it never comes.  Do you agree?

Oh! I had never thought of that possibility. Though I do agree, the ending is frustrating. It really has no resolution at all. I have never felt like I've finished the rewrite. So it's back to the drawing board, because I think that could be what was missing! Now I just have to think of something clever for him to do....

[CaliaMoko]

I'm resurrecting this thread; I really want to come up with a final version of this one. I like the idea of adding to the song to wrap it up with a kind of twist--as briefly discussed previously. In other words, have Cinderella, in spite of her protestations, end up with the undertaker. I've come up with two approaches. I need to decide which one (if either) to use.

One would be a third verse:

Now Cinderella slipped and fell and fractured both her legs
Her need was clear, someone to come to help her every day
The baker and the barber and the porter all said "No"
They each had somewhere else they had to go
Guess who helped her in her hour of need
It was the undertaker, yes, indeed!

[Followed by an altered final chorus]
She said, there's no more walkin' and there's no more talkin'
with the baker man, you know..
The porter and the barber, yeah, they both have got to go
'Cause I was wrong about the undertaker, he's the best man of the lot
He was the only one to help me out (or "comfort me"?)
When I was in an awful spot.

The other option is a bridge, followed by an altered chorus:

Now it came to pass our reluctant lass
had a change of heart, her plans all came apart
Cuz the baker owed, the porter stowed, and the barber's profits were all swept away
A transformation ensued, the undertaker accrued
Cinderella's affection flowed in his direction
Matrimonial bliss, sealed with a kiss, and, like he said, the undertaker won the day

CHORUS
And Cinderella said,
“I didn’t mind talkin’ and I didn’t mind walkin’ with the baker man, that’s true
I did like to croon a lover's tune with the railroad porter too
I used to squeeze the barber when he came around and I called him precious lamb
But I must confess I'll never settle for less than the undertaker man.”

I think I know which of the two I like better, but there are aspects of each that appeal to me. And I  might even mix and match--take the chorus from one option and the verse/bridge from the other.

Anyone want to bless me with your considered opinion???

Vicki