[Hooded Singer]

Wrote you a song but it's more like a scar
How it hurts and lingers
You slipped through my fingers
What you do now is none of my business

Supposed to be so good but brought us to tears

Didn't mean for it to end this way
But I lost my girl and it blew up my world
Gotta start again

I'll better myself
So you take me off the shelf
Fantasise that you're still around
That you'd love me now
That I'm lost in you
And there's no way out

I guess I can't make it last
Let me take a leaf out of your past
Hell I would take the whole tree
But memories are
Too much for me

Wrote you a song but it's more like a scar
How it hurts and lingers
You slipped through my fingers
What you do now is none of my business

Supposed to be so good but brought us to tears

[rightly]

I recently lost a gurl n just now posted some lyrics.
Somehow your lyrics have more clarity.

Mine was an intense n yet dysfunctional relationship from the start and when she started lying and giving me that pause for construction after me asking her a direct question, I knew it was time to salvage what I could n move on.

Not for the light hearted, huh?

Your lyrics... I hope you have music to them and it turns out to be a top song. 
All the best!

Rightly.

[diademgrove]

Hi Hooded Singer,

normally I'd suggest taking words like I, and, etc out of lyrics but in this instance I think you should be adding them. So for example, the first line would be I wrote you a song but it's more like a scar.

Its a great opening line either way.

The last line would be but what you do now is none of my business. I think you need to connect the sentences like this to reinforce the mood.

In the second verse I'm not sure the line "but I lost my girl and it blew my mind works. I imagined the song being sung to the woman who left, but this suggests you are singing to somebody else.

Other than that I don't think it needs any more verses, its tells its story and leaves us wondering whether you get back together.

If you disagree please ignore me,

Keith

[mikek]

having no insight into how this will play out in the gist of the melody, and only responding to the lyrics and how the meter feels to me...

i would probably take an approach like this:

Wrote you a song but it's more like a scar
How it hurts and lingers
What you do now is none of my business
You slipped through my fingers

[Vintage54]

   Hello,
     This is pretty good. I like the opening verse, though i'm not keen on the "Lost girl" line. Also, the verse that begins with "I'll better myself" lets down what came before and what follows. A rewrite of that verse would, in my opinion, elevate the song. Like it though.

                             Vintage54