[dankepig]

hello again my friends
I have a recording i made yesterday it was written on the spot so im sure its less than perfect, but i ask for your opinions on the idea, does it work as a 'song', is it clearly defined, as in genre? is it interesting/boring? or is it even any good?

As i say i wrote this yesterday so i haven't had the time to decide whether its shiny gold or rotten turd hehe
Anyway please let me know what you think.. my brain seems unable to decide where to go or what it needs..

Heres the all important link!- http://soundcloud.com/dankepig/recurring-dream

*Lyrics
The weather’s still angry outside
The raindrops on the glass, reflecting the mask
That he wears most of the time
The weather’s the same in his mind
He has a recurring dream he’s still a part of the scene
And when he wakes you’re still by his side..

Not to be unkind, but
It’s the end of the line
She said..

He’s addicted now, bring him down, make him sleep
He’s convicted now to a dead man’s dreams

So then he was left to decide
To get on the mend, or to go round the bend
Find somewhere lonely to hide
Now there’s a permanent glaze in his eyes
It’s clear that he went on an instant descent
And made friends with the demons in his mind..

Oh please don’t remind him
Of good times
He says their dead..

He’s addicted now, make him wake, just to sleep
While they concrete him down to a never ending street..

I think its too late for him now
He tries to make things work,  but ends face down in dirt
Every time he opens his mouth..

 Hope you like it!! please let me know what you think.. Gary 

[Schavuitje]

Hi

I loved this mate. I'll not go on about timing or that it sounds like it was recorded in a submarine  and that the delivery of the lyrics ( timing-wise and melody-wise) needs to be better because
you wrote it on the spot and so you're still getting used to it yourself
So taking it as a brand new idea, I think it's ace! Love the chord choices and melody choices.
Although
on this bit:

"He’s addicted now, make him wake, just to sleep
While they concrete him down to a never ending street..   The chord over the word ending sounds wrong and for me it's the weakest section of the
song. I think it's the drop from C to Am. It might be worth trying sliding the C up two frets so that you are playing C in the G position which gives you that
nice D chord, and then dropping to Am7.

I don't know if that will sound any better or work at all but the chords in that section right now don't seem to work.

I do really like this though I really like The beatley feel of the chords.

The lyrics are really cool too.

Nice one

[nooms]

hi dankepig  agree with schav about the submarine mix..
but theres a cool song in there, lyrics are great and thick with images,
youve got a good vocal 'sneer' but cant make out the words without the lyric sheet and they deserve to be heard, tidy it up a bit..
sure it'll be worth it
nooms

[dankepig]

thanks for the advice guys
I spent today re-recording and hopefully tidying, defining and hopefully improving the song.. haven't had time to rearrange the lyrics yet though.. and unfortunately theres nothing i can do about that submarine sound.. its just crap equipment and no money
im unsure of the correct protocol here, do i post the link here or make a new topic?? i guess ill make a new topic so its not missed
Thanks again
Gary

[Schavuitje]

I'm not sure about that either haha

I usually post the new version in the same topic, when I have a new mix or something new added to a song I've already posted,
rather than creating a new one. The only thing that bothers me is that sometimes when I want to post a newer version/mix of a song I have
already posted - or when I want to reply to something someone had said in my song post, I feel like people will think I am just replying to bump
my own song back up to the top of the list so to speak. lol
I don't know if anyone else thinks the same way, but I'm conscious of it... Maybe it's just me trying to be too polite haha
So what I try to do if I remember is post replies on my own posts first so that I'm always finishing and leaving somone else's at the top.
Am I crazy or do more of you guys behave this way too?

[Songsmith]

Hi,
    this was a bit hard to listen to as it wasn't synced up very well, may have been the player not sure!! It needs a bit of work but there is a nice song in there 

[pmarino]

As others have said, the timing and the sound quality are problems. That said, there's something interesting here. It reminds me a bit of an Elliott Smith sounding tune. I think the pace could be picked up, and (as I already mentioned) the sound/vocals enhanced.