[MR]

This is a first draft, please critique I don't have a title yet. It was written in the style of Taio Cruz, Neo and artists I'm that vein. It's the very first draft so it's not very good but tell me what you think anyways.


(VERSE 1)
Baby do you love me?
Do I give you everything that you need?
Baby can I hold you?
Or are you gonna watch as I bleed, for you?

(PRE)
Cause I need you babe
And I breathe you babe
I want you to love me babe
Think of how good we could be, yeahh.

(CHORUS)
Malibu and Marlboro Golds
When they're gonna will I have you to hold
Malibu and Marlboro Golds
Would you forget what you've been told

Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh)
When they're gonna will I have you to hold
Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh huh)
Would you forget what you've been told

(VERSE 2)
Are you just using me?
If you are, I cannot stay
Do you even love me?
If not, why don't you push me away?

(PRE)
Cause I need you babe
And I breathe you babe
I want you to love me babe
Think of how good we could be, yeahh.

(CHORUS)
Malibu and Marlboro Golds
When they're gonna will I have you to hold
Malibu and Marlboro Golds
Would you forget what you've been told

Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh)
When they're gonna will I have you to hold
Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh huh)
Would you forget what you've been told

(MID
If you ain't here for the ride
(Get of the train)
If you ain't staying the night
(Don't call me baby)
If you don't need me in your life
(Why am I here?)
I ain't staying the night
(If you don't want me)

(CHORUS)
Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh)
When they're gonna will I have you to hold
Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh huh)
Would you forget what you've been told

Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh)
When they're gonna will I have you to hold
Malibu and Marlboro Golds (uh huh huh)
Would you forget what you've been told

Uh huh, Uh huh

[adamholden]

Not my sort of lyric, but something going on. Do you mean going for gonna? I had to google malboro gold. Back in the day they were lights. The red ones were much better (looking and tasting) and they have the merit of rhyming with bed.

[hardtwistmusic]

Here is what I think.  This is dependent upon finding just the right music.  If it finds just the right melody and accompaniment, all the nits disappear.  If it fails to find just the right music, it's my opinion that the lyric won't carry the song by itself.

[diademgrove]

I like the verses and the pre but don't understand the chorus. The chorus should be the strongest part of the song but it just leaves me confused. The same with the middle 8. Its not clear if you're at his/her place or yours the repeat of "staying the night".

The song has potential as shown by the verses and the pre, work on the chorus and you'll have a really good set of lyrics. If you disagree with what I've written please feel free to ignore me.

It would be good to hear a bit more about you, how long you've been writing etc. Please use the Introduction section and introduce yourself.

diadem

[Sing4me88]

I think there is something here for sure. Problem with this kind of lyric is that to really connect its a 'hear' rather than a 'read'. The verses and pre are all in the style you are looking for. I reckon the chorus could be catchy but again it would hinge on getting the right melody for it in order to allow that to be pulled off. I reckon with a few tweaks here or there and a killer chorus melody this could be surprisingly good! Keep it up

[BooBoo]

As someone said the verses and pre work well together but once I got to the chorus I was lost. You need to make it clear who's staying who's and what not.