[Oli Dickinson]

Hey!

So this was written in a bit of a mad creative splurge late on Saturday night. Looking back on it, there are parts that need to be re-written, or that need to be made to scan better with the music. Anyway, this is a pretty raw form.

COME ON HOME TO HELL

I'm a statue in the stone
Made of my blood; made of my bone.

I live these tragedies alone.
No lover's shoulder; no tears for what I've done.

There are words that I can't whisper in a crowd.
There are thoughts that I will never say out loud.

Every second there's a spark.
And every second, another spark goes dark.

Every actor plays his part.
And for a trophy, gets another actor's heart.

I won't love you 'cause my love is sharp and stray.
I won't trust you when you're begging me to stay.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

I've loved these thin and pretty lies.
I smile until my lips bleed, and blister with goodbyes.

I've pushed spears into my side
And screamed in accusation at their discontented pride.

So give yourself another chance to live the life you wanted to.
Lead someone that merry dance - you know I wanted this for you.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

So have a drink and draw the line.
I know you've got patience, but I've only got time.

But even I am not mine.
I live for a legacy that I never will find.

There are creatures catching creatures in the dark.
They say they love you, as they tear your flesh apart.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

[massa]

Hi there Oli,

What a monologue at the beginning.... 

What a gorgeous voice!!! 

The song is beautiful, it's really, really beautiful. The music is amazing, your playing is brilliant, and your lyrics are fantastic.

I cannot wait to hear more from you!

[hofnerite]

Nice song!
Parts of this song sound very familiar, I think some of the chord structures are well used in a lot of popular songs but like you other song, I like the focus on the melodic lyrics with gentle piano playing under them without them geting mixed up. I like the flourishes between the lyric breaks, shows you are a competent pianist!

Very well crafted song throughout. you could make money from these! Perfect for James Blunt this one!

[tone]

I really enjoyed listening to your song. Nice melody and progression, and as Hof says, plenty of commercial appeal. The strongest point in the song for me is the chord change before the title line - very nice indeed. Great lyric writing there, too. Lots of integrity and interest.

In terms of criticism, there's not much to offer.  Where the first two verses join together doesn't sound quite right yet in my opinion. Also, if you're aiming at a commercial use for this song, you could probably do with the chorus coming in earlier, and might need to strip it down to 3 verses. See how hard I'm finding it to criticise this song?! :p

I really like it - welcome to the forum. Good to hear another great talent on board.

[TNMC]

Serious, serious talent Oli. Get this arranged, recorded and uploaded asap! There would be soooo many people out there who would love to hear this.

Andy from Neverwas

[Mellowh]

Loved your words at the start, made it more interesting to review. There is an unfinished quality to some of the lyrics but definite moments of genius. Think this would work as a rock song too. Great as is but if you want some feedback I've underlined the lines that I thought were particularly great, left the ones i thought were fine and put a line through the ones that worked less for me. (last line of chorus should also underline but my computers gone on the blink.) Just my take on it.


I'm a statue in the stone
Made of my blood; made of my bone.I live these tragedies alone.
No lover's shoulder; no tears for what I've done.

There are words that I can't whisper in a crowd.
There are thoughts that I will never say out loud.
Every second there's a spark.
And every second, another spark goes dark.
Every actor plays his part.
And for a trophy, gets another actor's heart.

I won't love you 'cause my love is sharp and stray. I won't trust you when you're begging me to stay.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done tryingWell, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

I've loved these thin and pretty lies.
I smile until my lips bleed, and blister with goodbyes.
I've pushed spears into my side
And screamed in accusation at their discontented pride.

So give yourself another chance to live the life you wanted to.
Lead someone that merry dance - you know I wanted this for you.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

So have a drink and draw the line.
I know you've got patience, but I've only got time.

But even I am not mine.
I live for a legacy that I never will find.

(There are creatures catching creatures in the dark.
They say they love you, as they tear your flesh apart.) This bit great too but computer won't underline!

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

So get it right this time, son.
You might have to lose another solider if you're wrong.
Lock yourself inside your cell.
The fire's dying, you're done trying
Well, there are stories still to tell - come on home to hell.

[TNMC]

Hi Oli
I'm Liam, the other half of Neverwas/TNMC.
I was really impressed with this one and like Andy said I would love to hear this as a finished article. Some really good lyrics in there and as a whole i thought it worked really well. Like Tone I cant really find much to criticise to be honest, perhaps one or two of the lines could be polished up a bit, lyrically speaking, but even those work anyway so if they say what you wanted them to say just leave them be.
Great live performance to by the way, very impressive. I cant wait to hear more from you in the future.

Liam.

[Oli Dickinson]

Hey.

Just really wanted to express my thanks to the folk above me who've offered their feedback on this recording.

I used to play gigs in the East Mids pretty often, but I've been dry for a long time now. Really looking to get back into writing and performing, and I think I was a bit too eager to get something into the public domain. It's still very raw and I'd probably only sung it a couple of times after scribbling it down that night before recording and posting it.

With the benefit of hindsight, I still wasn't familiar enough with the song. I push my voice a bit too far in some places, and the lyrics need a good polishing. So thanks for the encouragement and recommendations.

Before I get judged by this alone, I've put another song up (The Thread) that I wrote the following night.
I'm much happier with that recording. lol

Anyway, looking forward to getting back into writing and getting to know folk on here better.

Thanks again.

[tone]

Funny how people respond differently to songs isn't it?

I thought Mellowh gave a good review but he genuinely crossed out some of my favourite lines, like the blood and bone part and especially sharp and stray - a stroke of genius in my opinion!