[shortwhat]

So I have a tune for this already, and although it looks weird it all fits in fine. But I keep feeling like theirs something a little off... What do you think?

My soul is submerged, I don’t want to wake
Someday I’ll miss the depths
To become one, with who you are
Give until there’s nothing left

If you go you’ll leave me cold
And then I’ll never grow
Dazed but I’ll be happiest of all
I’m watered down and small

Alone in thought, the wet leaves my touch
I’m begging for a new-found pain
A lifetime is lost, peace of mind is gained
It’s worth it just to wash your life away

Let anger go, grasp onto hope
And never let it go
Silence as the waves begin to fall
I’m not watered down at all

[S.T.C]

Honestly, this makes very little sense as a lyric, even if you have a tune that fits...now as a part time poet i sort of get something from it ..but it does not engage a listener ,because their not going to be able to relate to it in anyway,,`my soul is submerged`...? 

[shortwhat]

I can see how it wouldn't make sense to be honest, what I was trying to get across was about a relationship that clearly isn't working, and both partners think they're happy, but they aren't really. And how they'd rather just keep pretending. And honestly while their pretending they actually are starting to work. The submerged thing was kinda just a weird way of saying that your feeling down... I'll try and make the point more clear. Thank you

[JonnyD]

Hmmm there are some really nice lines in here - particularly 'let anger go, grasp onto hope'. That line in particular really seems to 'sing'.

The problem for me is the whole drowning metaphor. To me, drowning suggests lack of control, panic and death and I don't really see how they relate to the song's story. For me, personally, it doesn't work and I'd recommend either changing the song's story slightly (perhaps one member is desperate to keep the relationship going and, in the process, destroying both of them?) or changing the song's main metaphor to something that fits the story better, such as addiction.

BUT if you like it then stick with it cause it's your lyrics from your mind after all

I'd also recommend adding some sort of chorus to summarize the main message of the song

[hardtwistmusic]

So I have a tune for this already, and although it looks weird it all fits in fine. But I keep feeling like theirs something a little off... What do you think?

My soul is submerged, I don’t want to wake
Someday I’ll miss the depths
To become one, with who you are
Give until there’s nothing left

If you go you’ll leave me cold
And then I’ll never grow
Dazed but I’ll be happiest of all
I’m watered down and small

Alone in thought, the wet leaves my touch
I’m begging for a new-found pain
A lifetime is lost, peace of mind is gained
It’s worth it just to wash your life away

Let anger go, grasp onto hope
And never let it go
Silence as the waves begin to fall
I’m not watered down at all

I agree with "songsthatcry"  Let me tinker with this and see what you think... keep anything you like.  

My soul is drowing, I'm afraid to wake
I can't escape these depths. 
Disconnected from who you are
I Give until there’s nothing left

If you go now, and leave me cold
I’ll surely never grow
Dazed, confused - no hope at all
I’ll just be watered down and small

Alone in thought, and numb again
I’m begging for a new-found pain
A lifetime lost, but peace is gained
if I wash your memory away

Release the anger.  Grasp the hope
And never set it free.
Silence then, like waves that fall.
No longer watered down at all

[shortwhat]

Woah, these are really good we'd make a good team

So I have a tune for this already, and although it looks weird it all fits in fine. But I keep feeling like theirs something a little off... What do you think?

My soul is submerged, I don’t want to wake
Someday I’ll miss the depths
To become one, with who you are
Give until there’s nothing left

If you go you’ll leave me cold
And then I’ll never grow
Dazed but I’ll be happiest of all
I’m watered down and small

Alone in thought, the wet leaves my touch
I’m begging for a new-found pain
A lifetime is lost, peace of mind is gained
It’s worth it just to wash your life away

Let anger go, grasp onto hope
And never let it go
Silence as the waves begin to fall
I’m not watered down at all

I agree with "songsthatcry"  Let me tinker with this and see what you think... keep anything you like.  

My soul is drowing, I'm afraid to wake
I can't escape these depths. 
Disconnected from who you are
I Give until there’s nothing left

If you go now, and leave me cold
I’ll surely never grow
Dazed, confused - no hope at all
I’ll just be watered down and small

Alone in thought, and numb again
I’m begging for a new-found pain
A lifetime lost, but peace is gained
if I wash your memory away

Release the anger.  Grasp the hope
And never set it free.
Silence then, like waves that fall.
No longer watered down at all

[hardtwistmusic]

Woah, these are really good we'd make a good team

Thank you, and I'm always willing to collaborate. 

BUT.... you could do everything I did without me. 

What you did is WRITE a lyric.  All I did is edit and craft that lyric.

Editing and crafting is half of songwriting.  Nothing I did CHANGED your meaning... it just clarified it.  I'm convinced that the talent you showed WRITING that lyric would allow you to edit and craft it yourself. 

I'd be happy to collaborate with you.... but I want to make it clear that I will not "stunt your growth" as a songwriter by just being an editor/lyric-crafter for you.  The IMPORTANT thing is for YOU to learn to do that yourself.  It's really just a matter of applying yourself.  I'm convinced the talent is there.

[shortwhat]

Woah, these are really good we'd make a good team

Thank you, and I'm always willing to collaborate. 

BUT.... you could do everything I did without me. 

What you did is WRITE a lyric.  All I did is edit and craft that lyric.

Editing and crafting is half of songwriting.  Nothing I did CHANGED your meaning... it just clarified it.  I'm convinced that the talent you showed WRITING that lyric would allow you to edit and craft it yourself. 

I'd be happy to collaborate with you.... but I want to make it clear that I will not "stunt your growth" as a songwriter by just being an editor/lyric-crafter for you.  The IMPORTANT thing is for YOU to learn to do that yourself.  It's really just a matter of applying yourself.  I'm convinced the talent is there.

ahah don't worry, I as only kidding but thanks for the advice