[seriousfun]

This is a lyric I threw together yesterday and am currently exploring ideas musically to record it. I think its going to take me a a few days to get my ideas together so I have time to get feedback on the lyrics before I record, an unusual circumstance for me. With that in mind, I would love some feedback from writers out there to see if there is any way I can improve this, especially the bridge, not convinced I have this right.

Thanks in advance.

Maggies Baby.


She leaves her dusty footprints as she walks out on the jetty once again
She sits upon the wooden seat that’s felt the bums of countless fishermen
contemplating her damnation could the sea be her salvation
with no one near to cast a line,
there’s  no one there to read the warning sign

Oh Maggies going for a swim today
Oh Maggies gonna let the tide, take her away

Maggies hair blows in the breeze reminding her of chances swept away
Her toes ripple in the sea and break reflections of her hearts dismay
A hand upon her swollen tum, she feels a kick her tears undun
With a child to bring into her life
But no man around, to make her his wife

Oh Maggies going for a swim today
Oh Maggies gonna let the tide, take her away

And then a duck floats by,
A line of ducklings in her wake
Its all so clear now in her mind
She nearly made a grave mistake

Oh Maggies going for a swim today
Oh Maggies gonna have her baby, here to stay


(c) APRA 2015

[benjo]

 HEY ALLAN

 yeah you got a good story here LOVE THE FIRST LINE
 not so keen on the BUM part I think it cheapens it

 if it were me I would tighten some of the lines up like below

       She leaves her dusty footprints as she walks out on the jetty once again
 
       She leaves her dusty footprints on the jetty once again

 but I don't know how you're going to sing this
 so just my take on it bud

 I don't like this verse / bridge below I think its to abrupt
 I don't know if its common to see a duck in the sea
 but then you live in NZ so could be
 
     And then a duck floats by,                                           
     A line of ducklings in her wake
     Its all so clear now in her mind
     She nearly made a grave mistake

 I do like the story though mate you really do have something to build on
 
 good luck with this, when its finished I know it will be your usual standard,  very high








 

[Neil C]

Allan,
Has the feeling of a loose singer songwriter kind of tune to my mind. With Tony on this.
I wonder how the lines on the longer verses are going to work.
And perhaps on the chorus could be longer either double up the current two lines of create a further pair. For example

Oh Maggies going for a swim today
Oh Maggies gonna let the tide, take her away
Take the plunge, the salty brine will do the rest
Or take you time coz you're really not at your best?

The bridge piece is a bit too abrupt for me hence the suggestion on the line above to introduce some ambiguity.
Anyway its sound great you're trying to write in a different way and look forward to hearing where you take it.

 
Neil

 

[seriousfun]

Thanks for the feed back guys.

Obviously some thoughts of the long lines in the verse, but they are sung ore a couple of lines of the music so probably I should have split the lines when printing the lyrics to read as follows...

She leaves her dusty footprints,
as she walks out on the jetty once again
She sits upon the wooden seat,
that’s felt the bums of countless fishermen

hopefully now you can see how it fits together. The verse has its music already but not the chorus and bridge so I can easily make changes there. I see what you both mean about the abrupt nature of the bridge and I love your idea of extending the chorus Neil, I particularly like the 2nd line you suggested and will most likely incorporate that or something derivative and I do believe that will make the bridge less abrupt.

As for the ducks, we have ducks in quiet inlets and bays, where jetties are mostly found and I don't believe any other bird would have commanded the tight family unit that I was hoping to portray, so ducks it has to be.

Thanks again for the feedback, you have both identified a weak point that I had not seen and also provided a way forward. Got to love this forum. Cheers guys.

[hardtwistmusic]

It's a very interesting concept, and I can't think of anything that someone else hasn't already recommended to make it better. 

I'm really interested to hear what kind of music you write for this. 

[jaake]

very beautiful. symbolic whilst still remaining accessible, something i wish i had the skill to do.

well done! wouldn't change a thing. you have a solid song here. what're you thinking of doing for the instrumental?

[Paulski]

Hi Allan

Really good story told in few words - I was worried for her straight away.
The only word I would change in this is "duck". To me that word with its hard "k" is like "pickle" and falls in the comedy category. If you change it to a type of duck (and leave ducklings in the next line) I think it would work better. For example:

Then a Mallard paddles by,
A line of ducklings in her wake
Becomes apparent in her mind
She nearly made a grave mistake

or there are other duck type here

Oh, and maybe the title should be Maggie's Choice (or Decision) because the song is not entirely about her baby.

Ignore at will!

Nice work!
Paul

[seriousfun]

Thanks very much forumites for your help in getting this lyric sorted.

@ Benjo - so glad you enjoyed the concept. Any praise for a lyric writer such as yourself is great praise to receive.

@ Neil - I liked you idea of extending the chorus with a line about reconsidering her plunge and have adapted that concept.

@ Hardtwist - Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. The song is now recorded and will be psoted on the forum later this week.

@ Jaake - thanks for commenting. Its going to have a country vibe which suit the lyric.

@ Paulski - Love the idea of the Mallard. Certainly softens the duck sound.  I have also made some changes to the chorus when it appears later in the song to strengthen the Maggies Baby concept. With these changes I think the title now fits better with the lyric. Thanks for the suggestions, they were worth their weight in duck shit gold.