[lancelot0888]

Hey guys! So I wrote another song and this already has it's melody. I just want to share it to you and I hope you'll criticize it in a constructive manner. Thank you!

EDIT: Bridge Added

EDIT: A very rough demo added (https://soundcloud.com/lances-demos/telephone-booth-jan-lance-briones-originaldemo)

"Telephone Booth"

Verse:

Hey, you, my little heartbreaker
I just called to say
I'm missing you today
I hope this doesn't sound cliche

"How are you?" I said it with my shaky voice
Then there's a deep silence
You've figured out the voice was mine
Then suddenly I heard a beep at the other line

Refrain:
Another coin for a minute long of loneliness
Another number to press and hope for the best

Chorus:
There are things in my head I wish I could tell you
My heart is dancing to the song you used to sing
Don't hang up
Don't press the mute
Don't leave me crying
Inside this telephone booth

Verse 2:
Hey, you (yes, you) my little heartbreaker
I had a few drinks
But it's the only way
To keep my mouth running but you still left me hanging

Refrain:
Another coin for a minute long of loneliness
Another number to press and hope for the best

Chorus:
There are things in my head I wish I could tell you
My heart is dancing to the song you used to sing
Don't hang up
Don't press the mute
Don't leave me crying
Inside this telephone booth

Bridge:
I'm surrounded by
The street's blinding lights
Reflecting to the glass panes
Asking me to go home now

I'm surrounded by
The street's blinding lights
Reflecting to the glass panes,
Asking me to go home now

Refrain:
Another coin for a minute long of loneliness
Another number to press and hope for the best

Chorus:
There are things in my head I wish I could tell you
My heart is dancing to the song you used to sing
Don't hang up
Don't press the mute
Don't leave me crying
Inside this telephone booth

[hardtwistmusic]

Not sure how I missed this for so long.  This is a really plaintive song.  REALLY captures the emotion. 

It might turn out to be too long when you add music to it because (to my ears) the lyric is going to demand some "space"between parts where the music acts as a bridge between those parts. 

In many lyrics, too little attention is paid to letting the lyric have time to sink in.  This one will (I think) need time to sink in.  The instrumental bridges will give it that time. 

I'm looking forward to hearing this performed in the future.

[lancelot0888]

Not sure how I missed this for so long.  This is a really plaintive song.  REALLY captures the emotion. 

It might turn out to be too long when you add music to it because (to my ears) the lyric is going to demand some "space"between parts where the music acts as a bridge between those parts. 

In many lyrics, too little attention is paid to letting the lyric have time to sink in.  This one will (I think) need time to sink in.  The instrumental bridges will give it that time. 

I'm looking forward to hearing this performed in the future.

Thank you so much! Actually, I recorded it earlier but it's a rough demo of the song. Kindly check it and let me know what you think. Thanks again sir!

https://soundcloud.com/lances-demos/telephone-booth-jan-lance-briones-originaldemo

[shortwhat]

Definitely like this, lots of great lines that give off the meaning of the song without fail.
A few lines could be reworked or improved, but the only part that I'm sort of 'distant' with is the first verse; the 'i hope this doesn't sound cliche' line could do with a little touching.
It doesn't really relate to the story, but I'm guessing you were using it to describe the rest of the song? It sort of puts a spanner in the works when telling the story, but that's just me.

Either way, really enjoyed this!
Keep writing, you're only getting better 

[hardtwistmusic]

You recorded it pretty much like I suspected.  Needed to give the lyric time to breath, and you did that.  I like the sound.  But five minute songs are a REAL hard-sell.  And it's not really the market that makes that so. 

Here is a piece of advice I once received.  I'll pass it along.  "The absolute last thing an artist can afford to do is to have his audience get done get done listening before he is done playing."   

Additional advice from the same source was "Once they QUIT listening and turn their attention to other things" (like talking to one another or thinking about what to have for dinner) "it's doubly hard to earn it back."

With a live audience, you can see it happening if you pay very close attention.  I perform music, and stand-up comedy.  You can see the audience losing attention, and if you are a performer, DO SOMETHING to keep it or else. 

That doesn't mean you must cut your song down.  But do play it for live audiences, and see if/when you begin losing some of them.  Don't listen to me.  Listen to THEM.  They are who matters.   

[lancelot0888]

Definitely like this, lots of great lines that give off the meaning of the song without fail.
A few lines could be reworked or improved, but the only part that I'm sort of 'distant' with is the first verse; the 'i hope this doesn't sound cliche' line could do with a little touching.
It doesn't really relate to the story, but I'm guessing you were using it to describe the rest of the song? It sort of puts a spanner in the works when telling the story, but that's just me.

Either way, really enjoyed this!
Keep writing, you're only getting better 

Thank you very much! The line "i hope this doesn't sound cliche" is referring to the line that says "I just called to say I miss you" cause I think that line is very cliche and commonly used. I'll try to see what I can do with that line ay maybe improve it. Thanks for the support! Cheers!

[lillypilly]

First off as soon as I heard it, voice sounded so much like John Mayer

I thought it was a bit long and I started switching off 2/3 way through but that is me

[lancelot0888]

First off as soon as I heard it, voice sounded so much like John Mayer

I thought it was a bit long and I started switching off 2/3 way through but that is me

Hey! John Mayer shaped the way I sing, I write, and the way I play the guitar. He is my main music influence

Yep, I also think it was a bit long and I'm planning to MAYBE take off the last pre-chorus and maybe just sing the bridge part once. Thanks for listening the 2/3 of the song though cheers!

[jimwix]

Just reading the lyric the first thing that stole my attention was the jump between present and past tense in the 2nd part of the 1st verse. 
It may sound OK but it reads a little awkwardly to me.

For example you may consider the following to keep it all in the present;
 
"How are you?" I say it with my shaky voice
Then there's a deep silence
You've figured out the voice is mine
Then suddenly I hear a beep at the other line

[Paulski]

Hi Jim

Just looking at the lyrics for now - I think you have a good start here on a song. I esp like the title/hook "Telephone Booth" even though they are getting pretty rare in Canada these days. There were a few phrases that seemed awkward to me like:
"I said it with my shaky voice" - that sounds like you deliberately said it with a shaky voice
"I heard a beep at the other line" - I think you meant you heard a beep on this line.
"To keep my mouth running" - I don't know what this means
"Reflecting to the glass panes" -  do you mean "reflecting on the glass panes"?

Sorry for being so picky - it's a solid write IMO - just needs a few tweaks.
Paul