[hardtwistmusic]

Verse – Chorus  – Verse  – Chorus – Verse – Bridge  – Chorus  - Chorus

Wrote these lyrics to an instrumental for a friend.  I'm concerned that they lack "punch" and they don't go anywhere storywise.   Would like input and advice.  

SEE "FINISHED SONGS" section for this song with music.  Thanks...

VERSE 1:  
Every day I think about the day I left you there.  
Waving from the porch with a warm wind blowing.  
Every night I go to bed and pray that I don’t dream,
That dream about you finding someone else to hold you.  

CHORUS:  
Never felt quite this lonely before.      --     Never felt quite so scared.  
Never felt quite so inadequate.     --      So totally unprepared.

VERSE 2:  
Well, lately, I’ve been thinking that I never should have gone.  
Lately I’ve been wonderin if you miss me darling.  
I’ve come to the conclusion that I wasn’t meant to roam.  
I've been thinkin that it's time for me to set my face toward home.  

CHORUS 2:  
Never felt quite so lonely.       --     Never felt quite so  afraid.
A dark cloud’s hanging over me.      --     Like a debt that remains unpaid.
  
VERSE 3:  
I’m afraid to call to see if you still think of me.
What if it turns out that you have found another?  
What if it turns out that our love wasn’t meant to be?  
Was loving me a spell that you’re no longer under?      
                                
CHORUS 3:  
Never felt quite this lonely.     --     Never felt quite this blue.
A dark cloud hanging over me.    --   The thought of losing you.

CHORUS 4:  
Never felt quite this lonely.      --     Never felt quite so scared.  
Feels like I’m a little boy again,    --   Totally unprepared

BRIDGE:  
A coward dies a thousand deaths,       --     A brave man dies but once.  
A winner tries to break the tie.         --       A loser always punts.  

CHORUS 5:  
Never felt quite this lonely.       --     Never been  this afraid.
A dark cloud’s hanging over me.       --     Like a debt that must be paid.    

[PeeJay]

Hi Verlon,

I liked the way the chorus kept changing and how you've developed the story in the verses.

I thought 'incompetent' could be 'useless' or 'worthless' instead as it doesn't seem to fit. IMHO anyway.

Nice one,

Phil.

[hardtwistmusic]

I thought 'incompetent' could be 'useless' or 'worthless' instead as it doesn't seem to fit. IMHO anyway.


Phil.

I'm writing it to someone else's music and I do need all four syllables.   I was aware that "incompetent" wasn't a good word, but was looking for another four syllable word to replace it.  The right three syllable word might work. 

Thanks for noticing that.  And thanks for the input.   I was afraid the story was a little weak.  Needed that extra perspective you gave me with your input. 

[Paulski]

Hi Verlon

This has a nice flow to it.
A couple things came to mind reading through the first time:

The title maybe should be "Never Felt this Lonely" as it seems that is what the theme is.
I wasn't keen on "incompetent" either - too many hard consonants IMO. Maybe something like "alone on the shore" to rhyme with "lonely before"? Also wondered if "set my face toward home" could be
"set a course for home" or similar - it just sounds more conversational to me. But what do I know?

Good one - lots of potential here!
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

Thanks Paul.  The lyric is currently in what I call the "percolation stage."   I'm just letting it set and will return to it and rework it in a few days. 

At that time, the "incompetent" will replace with something (it's stubborn and not currently giving up the appropriate replacement phrase) and the entire lyric will yield to "soft changes" (changes in wording, that don't change the meaning, but just say it better.) 

OR.... I'll come back and make "hard changes" which change the whole meaning. 

That "percolation stage" is vital for me on many lyrics.  I sometimes go back and listen to the many mutations my songs have gone through, and it's amazing how much better final versions are. 

It's also shocking to occasionally find that the changes did NOT improve the song when revisiting an old progression.  Always interesting. 

Thanks for all the feedback on this song and others.  You ALWAYS have a valuable perspective.

[hardtwistmusic]

I thought 'incompetent' could be 'useless' or 'worthless' instead as it doesn't seem to fit. IMHO anyway.

Phil.

Hi Phil:   Best word I've found so far (as far as communicating the feelling I was looking for) is "inadequate."  I made that change in the lyric already.  Thanks again for pointing this out.

[hardtwistmusic]

Bumping this to the top of the forum because I just posted the finished version with music in the "finished songs" section. 

Kim Kristiansen's beautiful instrumental inspired the lyrics -- which are reflected in their latest form in the "finished songs" section. 

Thanks to all who commented, and I'm looking forward to hearing comments on the song with music.