[seriousfun]

This is a lyric I wrote some time ago which I just came across in a clean out. I even have chords for it but I have no idea what sort of rhythym or tempo I had in mind. Thought I would share and gather ideas before giving it life. From the chord structure that applies It is a song that rather than have a verse chorus structure, is more folk with a part a and part b structure.


Midnight Is Hollow
============


Midnight is hollow
Hiding the ordinary things
See them tomorrow
Without the shadows darkness brings

Steal the day
The night pours across the land, again
Like grains of sand
the work of the day is washed away. is washed away

Midnight is hollow
there's nothing new out there to see
Midnight is hollow
there's nothing new for you and me

Feel the night
Paint life in mysterious ways
Steals your thought
Dark, ethereal and strange

Lost in the moment
Imagined ghost prickle your skin
Turn to face them
The unseen monsters closing in

Midnight is hollow
Demons dance and shadows play
The sunlight that follows
Reveals just an ordinary day, an ordinary day

[JonnyD]

Beautiful lyrics, for some reason I kept wanting to sing it to the tune of Gloomy Sunday. Some particular bits I like:

The 'land/sand' rhyme in the second verse was a lovely touch, especially as it's a one off.
The 'ways/strange' rhyme is also lovely
The phrase 'midnight is hollow' which I wish I'd thought of

A couple of things that could perhaps be changed, they're really very minor:

'Feel the night/paint life in mysterious ways/steals your thought/dark ethereal and strange'
may read better as
'Feel the night/paint life in mysterious ways/steal your thoughts/dark ethereal and strange'

'Imagined ghost prickle your skin' would make more sense as 'Imagined ghosts prickle your skin'. This one may just be a typo though.

The only improvements I can see are grammatical, other than that brilliant write

[seriousfun]

Thanks ever so much for the feedback.  Bound to be some gramatical errors and typos in this, you found one already with the ghost/s word.

As for the steals your thought line I think we are both right here. It would be better as 'steals your thoughts'. I need the s on steals to assign the verb to midnight but you are quite right that thoughts is a better word as people have more than one thought.

Thanks for picking that up, and i am glad you enjoyed the read.



Allan.

[Paulski]

Hi Allan

I enjoyed this and I like that format. Choruses are over-rated IMHO 
The only thing that didn't work for me was the word "ethereal". Probably just me but that word never seems to invoke an image in my head. Maybe I just don't hear it enough in Canucksville.

Nice work!
Paul

[PeeJay]

Hi Allan,

Really good read all the way through for me.

Title has a different spin too. 'Hollow' not a word I would have used there but it works.

Thumbs up! 

Phil.

[OkayAwesome]

Hey seriousfun, thanks for your post on my piece.

This is most effective when invoking strong imagery than listing adjectives. The difference between lines like "hiding the ordinary things", which I think is an effective aside into your vision and introduce your ideas really well, and "dark, ethereal and strange", which remind me of Google's ability to provide synonyms, is striking. I would prefer to continue reading more of the former than the latter, as it's far more interesting unique an ode to your ideas. You turn again to the stronger imagery toward the end (though I would like a little more spark than 'demons dance', I guess), so I think just a few lines could be looked at in regards to this point. Pretty solid throughout.

Have a good day.

[seriousfun]

@ Paulski, I think that line will go. Got two ideas I am tossing up with

Dark, haunting and strange

Or, from left field,

"Flay by flay"


@ PJ. Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed.


@ OA - thanks for the feedback. its a good point you make and has already got me considering some lines, i have to be careful that I dont go so far as to make it too abstract. I like a semi direct lyric and I have to sing it therefore I have to own it and believe it or it wont work.  But yup, a good point and have taken it onboard for this lyric.

[tomcrocus]

Hello Alan.
               this is a lovely write from start to finish,
captivating.
"Midnight is hollow",great song title,
                                                  tom.