[jacksimmons]

Hey guys! I've strayed away from the 70s thing because I'm really in to 80s pop and new wave at the moment, so this is an homage to that.
This is a song about being a gay teenager, and having a close friend who is also gay, but not being able to act on those feelings because you are both uncomfortable/embarrassed and not ready. It's autobiographical but the name of the boy has been changed for obvious reasons. 

Thank you in advance for listening.



Lyrics:

Billy
I know you feel like you're losing touch with the world around you
Put your milkshake down, let's drive around

Billy
I've never seen you smile as much as you smiled the day that the snow came
The snow fell on your face and you always used to hate this place
But now I know you don't

What can you say about Billy?
It's Billy, every time I look up
I don't want to let you down

Billy
What would your parents say if they found us down at the arcade?
Billy, keep your t-shirt on and laugh along

To my jokes
I'll sneak over Saturday and teach you to play the guitar
Every time you look at me it's easy to see you don't care about the chords

What can you say about Billy?
It's Billy, every time I look up
I don't want to let you down

He caught the snowflakes on his tongue
I had to run

And Billy told me once
He told me twice
Do this and you carry it with you for the rest of your life
He told me once
He told me twice
Do this and you carry it with you for the rest of your life
For the rest of your life
For the rest of your life

[CaliaMoko]

Hey Jack! You know I'm big on prosody, right??? I'll get to that in a sec.

This has a pretty melody and an catchy bubble gum pop feel. I like those kinds of songs. It has a good dance beat to it, and I love to dance! I have no nits with the melody or the words. I have some ideas, though, to maybe improve the prosody.

1. "...every time I look up": maybe dropping the pitch several steps down when singing the word "up" will call attention to it in a contradictory kind of way? I try (sometimes it just won't work) to have the pitch moving up if I'm singing about anything getting higher or going up and vice versa for going down. It's a way to use the music to support what the words say.

2. "...down at the arcade": the emphasis on the word arcade is opposite from how the word is typically pronounced. Fixing it might be difficult, though. I tried singing it as is by just "nudging" the word into a better rhythm, but it sounded awkward. So it might take too much rewriting to make that work.

3. "and laugh along..................to my jokes": Now this could be seen as a way to emphasize the unstable theme of the song--by throwing the listener off balance. It sounds like you've finished the phrase and then all of a sudden there's a bit more, sung quickly and almost awkwardly, like you're not sure you want the whole thing to be heard. I'm a slave to being "correct" so I would probably try to "fix" this. But I'm not sure it needs it.

4. "...to play the guitar": same note as #2, except this one, I think, could be fixed without feeling awkward. Sing the strong beats on TEACH, PLAY, -TAR, with weak beats on YOU TO, THE GUI-. That one would work.

5. "...it's easy to see...": the word easy is emphasized opposite the way it normally would be. This one could also be fixed, fairly easily. Sing it like (strong beats will be all caps) "...you LOOK at ME, it's EASY to SEE...". You can do it by holding "it's" slightly longer, and then singing both syllables of "easy" up on the higher note, both short notes. "It's" would be a quarter note and "easy" would be two 8th notes.

And that's all the nitpicking I have for you. Take what suits you (if any) and dump the rest.

Hope something here is helpful but, if not, no worries.

Vicki

[shadowfax]

Very nice writing and singing, I don't think the song needs the 25 seconds instrumental intro, you could maybe introduce it as a M8 later..I personally would leave it out..
otherwise this is a very nice arrangement... clear talent! a hit in the 80's no doubt..

[adamfarr]

Super lyric writing here - I love the adolescent references (milkshake, arcade) and the "meaningless" things that reveal a scary truth (the snow on the tongue, the look that says not caring about chords etc.). Really paints a picture but also tells us what the person is feeling inside.

[cowparsleyman]

Clear Talent, great work.

Could be a bit more verb on the lead Vox, it would give it more of an atmospheric fell to it. Like the attention to detail on the BVox, could help by having some female singers int here, give some alternative sonic texture.

Can't wait to hear more of your stuff.

cpm

[Katie Wilson]

Hi when I first started listening to this I want sure but going back  and reading what the song was about really made a difference ( I've learnt something there that an intro- a few lines about the song really does make a difference on how you view it).

This really moved me - what strikes me is that though it's quite a happy upbeat tune , the underneath , underlying message is very sad - I suppose being transgender and struggling with myself for many years I can really relate to this , the happy chirpyness seems to make it sadder .
I think the singing is great and as mentioned by someone else the almost throw away lines are hiding an inner pain , nothing is actually said but because you know by the synopsis at the start you can read and see below they surface .
Any faults not really - I love the way you sing Billy and it just seems to hang , whether you meant it or not I think that this is a very moving song and shows a great understanding of someone struggling with in themselves .
Some times you can't actually tell someone something but you have a telepathy and I think that this song is a bit like this- thank you xxx

[LostBoy]

Great intro & all around 80’s vibe mate! I love the layered vocals in the chorus especially. I’ve gotta say I love it actually.  Your Vocal is lovely and clear, I might be wrong, but the lead vocal might need a small volume nudge up?

It’s a fantastic song buddy. Well done! 

[Paulski]

Wow - pop right from the get-go.
Such a light and happy intro.
Vox are great - pitch perfect I'd say.
Could go up a tad in the mix as Lostboy mentioned - lead vox is KING!
Maybe needs a haircut or at least a bit off the side to keep it to 3 mins for peeps like me with the attention span of a fruitfly.. 

Good tune.
Still singing Billy in my head now. 

Paul

[mickyplankton]

Hi Jack. Great song. Not far off being perfect indie pop. The lyrics and storytelling are superb. Production is top notch as usual. The one suggestion for a marginal improvement would be to do a little more with the rhythm section. I do like the minimalist bass drum throughout the verses but perhaps liven it up a bit towards the end. It starts to sound a bit monotonous by the end. I would consider throwing in a couple of sharp snares too to punctuate the  verse.
The bass line is also super minimal and perhaps few runs or variations in octave towards the end would help the overall dynamism. Cheers Micky

[rightly]

very nicely done.
your productions are always a pleasure to listen to.
A really good feel to the whole song

[jacksimmons]

And that's all the nitpicking I have for you. Take what suits you (if any) and dump the rest.

Hope something here is helpful but, if not, no worries.

Vicki

Thank you for that Vicki, you're a star! I'll see what I can do while not compromising on the melody. There are a few instance - 'arcade' & the weird pronunciation of guitar - that are deliberate. I like my vocals to sound slightly eccentric at times in the hope that they/the song is more memorable.

Thanks @shadowfax for the comments on the intro. I think after repeated listens I will be shortening it, you're totally right that it's unnecessary at that length! Thanks for the kind words!

@Rightly @adamfarr @LostBoy @Paulski
I'm glad you all liked it and really appreciate the compliments.

Hi Jack. Great song. Not far off being perfect indie pop. The lyrics and storytelling are superb. Production is top notch as usual. The one suggestion for a marginal improvement would be to do a little more with the rhythm section. I do like the minimalist bass drum throughout the verses but perhaps liven it up a bit towards the end. It starts to sound a bit monotonous by the end. I would consider throwing in a couple of sharp snares too to punctuate the  verse.
The bass line is also super minimal and perhaps few runs or variations in octave towards the end would help the overall dynamism. Cheers Micky

Thanks Micky! I've taken your advice and added some rolls at the end and will be revisiting the static bass, too. Great suggestions so thank you!

Hi when I first started listening to this I want sure but going back  and reading what the song was about really made a difference ( I've learnt something there that an intro- a few lines about the song really does make a difference on how you view it).

This really moved me - what strikes me is that though it's quite a happy upbeat tune , the underneath , underlying message is very sad - I suppose being transgender and struggling with myself for many years I can really relate to this , the happy chirpyness seems to make it sadder .
I think the singing is great and as mentioned by someone else the almost throw away lines are hiding an inner pain , nothing is actually said but because you know by the synopsis at the start you can read and see below they surface .
Any faults not really - I love the way you sing Billy and it just seems to hang , whether you meant it or not I think that this is a very moving song and shows a great understanding of someone struggling with in themselves .
Some times you can't actually tell someone something but you have a telepathy and I think that this song is a bit like this- thank you xxx

Thank you so much for this Katie. Your comments really moved me. Of all the songs I have posted this one is one of the more personal and I hoped it communicated these feelings in a way that was clear, especially for another member of the LGBT+ community.

Thank you all!

[Martinswede]

Great song Jack!

I don't have much to add. Many good thing to be found. You have a way with both words and music.

[jacksimmons]

Great song Jack!

I don't have much to add. Many good thing to be found. You have a way with both words and music.

aw thanks Martin! appreciate it

[Jamie]

Hi, nicely written and performed. I didn’t feel that the instrumental intro fitted the rest of the song, apart from that very nice pop tune!
Cheers
Jamie

[PaulAds]

I don't think I would have recognised this as one of your songs if I hadn't known it was you. It seems quite different to me...anyway your stuff is always extremely well done and always sounds super to my ears. I think somebody mentioned the "milk shake" line...that line made me a little uncomfortable to be honest...it seemed to conjure up the image of a younger person with someone a bit older...but that's just a minor detail that maybe only mattered to me. And it didn't really matter to me very much. Just an observation. The way you kind of deliberately stumble (?) here and there with vocal gave a hint of apprehension which I thought was very clever (forgive me if I picked that up wrongly...I'm writing this from memory after listening a few days back)

Fits the 80's pop brief perfectly, I think. Nice work, as always.