Johnny - a tough one for sure.
The main feeling I get is anger, and that's an art in itself.
I usually like things to be more poetic and less direct - so I would consider keeping the reveal back for a while and not going so soon with the "child goes away" line. Also, is there a way of conveying to me as a listener how it could feel to really be in this situation (maybe using other senses, internal feelings)?
Have a think about POV as well - in v1 and 2 we have you as the "girl" and in v3 and 4 you is the (questionable) God. I warmed most to v3 (look what you've done): I might even consider opening with this, telling the story and then closing with it as well as it has a different impact when we know the context.
Good luck with wherever you take it!