konalavadome

Tennessee River

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S.T.C

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« on: October 10, 2014, 01:42:23 AM »
Right.heres a Fleetfoxes type lyric...and if you know their work,you might get this!...it's basically about a disturbed lover..maybe a physco :-\ ...his lover might be still be around,gone or dead,at home on a bed lying down :o....



when i said, i would lay me down
on the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean, for to be alone
when the water flows away
and the view is greater

greater for you,to be at my side

under the shade of the trees
and the whispering of the grass
i asked you why your loving
is the only loving. that lasts

and all the troubles that have gone before
and all the screaming fights
have they taken wings and flown away
to someone elses life

when i said i would lay me down
on the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean for to be alone
when the water flows away
and the view is greater

we could talk about the cumberland
and the falling of the leaves
heading out like a storm of ships
the sailors of our dreams

and when i take you home tonight
i hope its on gentle streams
but be careful of the bridges there,
there not as dry, as they seem

when i said, i would lay me down
on the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean, for to be alone
when the water flows away
and the view is greater

deep is the night
deep is the river
blinding the sight
of the unwary
visitors
waiting like boats
dead on the shore
throwing in anchors
not sure why ,where or for

and all the troubles that have gone before
and all the screaming fights
have they taken wings and flown away
to someone elses life

when i said i would lay me down
on the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean for to be alone
when the water flows away
and the view is greater

greater for you,to be at my side

montydog

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« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2014, 07:56:34 AM »
Hi,

These lyrics are outstanding and this is just the sort of material I love. It would be a privelage to try and turn this into a song if you were to let me have a go.

M

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2014, 08:08:58 AM »
I loved this.   And I too would love to hear what Montydog would make of it.   

One suggestion.   "A Tennessee River" could become more specific and meaningful if it were "The Tennessee River."   The Tennessee River is a real river (I'm pretty sure.) 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

S.T.C

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« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2014, 12:37:29 PM »
I loved this.   And I too would love to hear what Montydog would make of it.   

One suggestion.   "A Tennessee River" could become more specific and meaningful if it were "The Tennessee River."   The Tennessee River is a real river (I'm pretty sure.) 

Yes ,there is 'The Tennessee River' but i didn't want to be so specific...i do mention the Cumberland which i believe flows thru Nashville....it's not important either way really.... :)

Dutchbeat

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« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2014, 01:11:16 PM »
very good lyrics. No comments to offer, looks excellent

Neil C

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« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2014, 04:28:52 PM »
STC, liking it alot and jealous of Montydog ;D
Great 2nd verse.
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..

Bleedin Boy

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« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2014, 01:47:39 AM »
The chorus is superb. I'm not really getting that he might be a psycho, perhaps just has alot on his mind. A great song anyway.

S.T.C

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« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2014, 11:53:39 AM »
The chorus is superb. I'm not really getting that he might be a psycho, perhaps just has alot on his mind. A great song anyway.

Lets say unhinged then..it.s just that as i was writing it, i thought this is going to be a bit bland ,then i put the verse with the 'screaming fights' ...and at the end i just thought, maybe this could be like a Fleetfoxes type of dark theme presented in a lighter way as they sometimes do.'Winter Hymnal' for e;g.

So in my mind now...he's inviting her to the river to kill her in some way..!

jonpromos

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« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2014, 07:35:45 PM »
'Grass, lasts'. That's my favourite musical part of the whole thing. This shows a lot of promise. Your lyrics sure looks good and sounds good.

But if you're posting lyrics to be read as lyrics or poems, they should flow right. It's not fun to read something only to reread again. So i suggest using capital letters for where there should be capital letters. To make it easier on the eyes. I don't get the psycho part either. I didn't get that from reading it. Maybe others would.
When hope fails a servant or prey,
Anger frees him from all the chains,
If hope disappoints, anger prevails,
And freedom is worth all the pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3CrpsrkEt0

PopTodd

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« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2014, 07:50:19 PM »
The imagery is really evocative. Gorgeous stuff.
I do have a couple of gripes with it, however, but they are minor ones.

First off, this phrase:
Quote
throwing in anchors
It just kinda sounds awkward. And, truth be told, is not the "correct" phrase that would be used by a sailor.

If I can suggest:
"dropping our anchors"

as a substitute?
It has the same # of syllables and it just kinda sounds moreā€¦ right. At least to my ears.

Or, if you are married to the image of somebody throwing something instead of dropping, how about:
"casting off anchors"

Not sure if that's any more "correct" than your original phrase, but (to me, at least) it sounds a little more melodious.

As you know: these are suggestions. Go with your gut.

But a slightly bigger nit (although still a nit):
Your punctuation.
When you sing this, I know that it won't matter, but those marks are still cues to your singer as to where to add pauses and whatnot. Seems to me like the way you have stuff punctuated is really confusing to the flow.
Lie this one:
Quote
i asked you why your loving
is the only loving. that lasts

Why is the period there?

Just a prompt to go back and proofread before trying to introduce this to whomever will be singing this.

Nonetheless, as I said, the imagery is stunning. Overall, despite the nits, a really wonderful, and wonderfully evocative piece of work.

S.T.C

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« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2014, 08:18:51 PM »
I don't want to put all the punctuation in , because it still doesn't always help ,if you don't know how things go in my mind, plus it's already had a re-write..the anchors are gone.......my reason for showing was really the imagery ,but thanx anyway.