[GeneralZod]

-Verse-
There is something that hides in the back of my mind.
 I dull it but still feel the pain.
Like a crooked vine that's withered and dying,
 I fight it but it still remains

-chorus-
I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into black quicksand

-Verse-
Like the time we waste and let it drift away
The scene replays in my mind.
Through the hour glass I watched the sand slip past
How come I have been so blind?

-chorus-
I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into black quicksand

-verse-
In our dreams at night we fly so high
The only time we're free
Far away from this place
A world in disgrace and a future that I cannot see.

-chorus-
I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into black quicksand

-end-

[Dogmax]

Hi GeneralZod

First of all a warm welcome to you, nice lyrics but for me i seem to stumble with the flow of some of your words so i hope you don't mind but just a few suggestions like.

There is something that hides in the back of my mind.
 Lifeless but still I feel pain.
Like a crooked vine that's withered and dying,
 I fight it but it still remains

I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am sinking further into black quicksand

Not to sure of my own suggestions here but just want to let you know really nice lyrics, look forward to hearing them in song.

[GeneralZod]

Thank you! I like your suggestions and I think with the words you use it makes it more smooth.
I was also contemplating the chorus I had to think about it for a while whether I wanted to use "black quicksand" some might not get what it means.

I want to get a decent demo of this one and I'm trying to find ways to make it sound interesting with my baritone voice. Perhaps it could be sung in a Chili peppers type way. Hopefully I'll have a recording up soon looking forward to showing the progress I've made!

[Dogmax]

Thank you! I like your suggestions and I think with the words you use it makes it more smooth.
I was also contemplating the chorus I had to think about it for a while whether I wanted to use "black quicksand" some might not get what it means.

I want to get a decent demo of this one and I'm trying to find ways to make it sound interesting with my baritone voice. Perhaps it could be sung in a Chili peppers type way. Hopefully I'll have a recording up soon looking forward to showing the progress I've made!

Black Quicksand good name for a song draws attention to it and it read well in the chorus, good luck with the demo. 

[Marrianna]

-Verse-
There is something that hides in the back of my mind.
 I dull it but still feel the pain.
Like a crooked vine that's withered and dying,
 I fight it but it still remains

-chorus-
I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into black quicksand

-Verse-
Like the time we waste and let it drift away
The scene replays in my mind.
Through the hour glass I watched the sand slip past
How come I have been so blind?

-chorus-
I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into black quicksand

-verse-
In our dreams at night we fly so high
The only time we're free
Far away from this place
A world in disgrace and a future that I cannot see.

-chorus-
I am sinking deeper and I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into black quicksand

-end-

I also think that Black Quicksand is a great title. Like Dogmax, I had some ideas which might help.

verse 1  There is something that lurks in the back of my mind
            I hide it but still feel the pain
            Like a withered vine, crooked and dying
            I fight it but still it remains

Chorus   I am sinking deeper, I reach for a helping hand
            I am at the mercy of this black, black quicksand

           
I thought that something different in Line 2 of the chorus because the words already say in line 1 that 'I am sinking deeper' which really describes the effect of the quicksand and so to be at it's mercy seems more dramatic than 'falling further'.

    This is just what I thought but not saying my ideas would be better but could be worth a try.
Good luck with the song and would like to hear it with the music when possible.

Marrianna

[Vintage54]

            General! I salute,
               Dont be offended by my suggestions, if so, feel free to do the same. I really like this, but feel it needs some changes and chiseling in parts. Not trying to rewrite, but i would kick off thus

             Theres a cloud that hangs in the back of my mind
             That keeps bringing back the rain

 I would shrink the chorus

             Im sinking and i need a hand
             Sinking in the black quicksand

      Also  Far away from this place of shackles and chains
             And a future i cannot see

             The sand slips away through the hourglass
             How could i have been so blind

 Suggestions only, its your song man, just trying to be helpful, good write.


                                Vintage54

[GeneralZod]

Vintage54,Marrianna,Dogmax Thank you! I really enjoyed your suggestions! I think the lyrics you wrote are dead-on money with the mood of this track. I'm thinking of rewriting the 1st verse with this:
 
-1st verse-
There's a cloud that hangs in the back of my mind
It always brings back the rain.
Like the crooked/creeping vine that's withered and dying
Lifeless but it still remains.

For the shortened chorus I like it im not sure how the melody would sound. Ive been doing the song with the Am-C-G-Em chord progression throughout. Perhaps the chorus could be trimmed a little and go something like this:

-chorus-
I am sinking I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into Black Quicksand 

For the third verse I am really liking this:

-3rd verse-
In our dreams at night. We fly so high
the only time we're free
Far away from this place of shackles and chains
And I future that I cannot see.

This track really has improved. It's good to have a songwriter's circle on here, since nothing like that is available to me locally.

The song is shaping up but is the end fitting? "And a future that I cannot see" Does this fit with the context of the song? This one is about missed opportunities, wasted time, etc.

[Hendo]

I love these lyrics and the imagery they bring up and I love the song title so much that I'm jealous lol.  I especially like the crooked vine reference and the chorus.

[GeneralZod]

Thank you so much for the kind words. No need to be jealous I'm not that good. It's a pretty simple song with simple rhymes. I'm sure you have good songs too! Thanks friend!

[S.T.C]

I think 'back into quicksand' is a better phrase than 'black quicksand'.

[GeneralZod]

I think 'back into quicksand' is a better phrase than 'black quicksand'.

Back into quicksand is a little harder to sing and it's not as smooth. I like black quicksand better the title grabs the attention and adds a little bit of obscurity. Thanks for the feedback

[Dogmax]

Vintage54,Marrianna,Dogmax Thank you! I really enjoyed your suggestions! I think the lyrics you wrote are dead-on money with the mood of this track. I'm thinking of rewriting the 1st verse with this:
 
-1st verse-
There's a cloud that hangs in the back of my mind
It always brings back the rain.
Like the crooked/creeping vine that's withered and dying
Lifeless but it still remains.

For the shortened chorus I like it im not sure how the melody would sound. Ive been doing the song with the Am-C-G-Em chord progression throughout. Perhaps the chorus could be trimmed a little and go something like this:

-chorus-
I am sinking I reach for a helping hand
I am falling further into Black Quicksand 

For the third verse I am really liking this:

-3rd verse-
In our dreams at night. We fly so high
the only time we're free
Far away from this place of shackles and chains
And I future that I cannot see.

This track really has improved. It's good to have a songwriter's circle on here, since nothing like that is available to me locally.

The song is shaping up but is the end fitting? "And a future that I cannot see" Does this fit with the context of the song? This one is about missed opportunities, wasted time, etc.

What about "and a future that i hope to see"  also  "I am falling further into Black Quicksand"  the word "falling"  to be honest im not to sure of that word but you should know better when you listen back, maybe  "as further i sink into black quicksands"

[Bleedin Boy]

A simple but effective chorus. You've done well to describe the sense of things slipping away.