[kevysc]

I normally start with the music and then write lyrics, so this is somewhat of an experiment. I know that the structure is odd ( there is no Chorus and the song title hardly appears in the lyrics), plus there is a savage twist at the end, but I am trying to capture a very specific sense of confusion and anger. Let me know what you think ....



Please Don’t Leave Me

Please be gentle with me
Let me take this in
Every time I think I understand
All of the things you mean
Something takes a grip upon my mind and
Empties it of sense

Did you never tell me?
Or did I forget?
Nothing seems to get through to me
This doesn’t make any sense

Leaving me should be a last resort
Even if you want
All the things that I can’t seem to give
Value what we have
Everyone deserves a second chance

Make it up to me you stupid bitch
Ending this is wrong

[Paulski]

Some great lines in there and no easy rhymes!
I like how the singer's attitude changes in the second last verse - and ramps up to that emotive ending. I would change the title to "Don't Leave Me" just to temper our expectations on how he feels. Also IMO this will take some in-your-face music esp near the end - definitely a challenge but do-able.
Nice one!
Paul

[irwin]

Yes, I agree that you have some good line going on in this lyric but I would suggest that you drop the last two line:

Make it up to me you stupid bitch
Ending this is wrong

Irwin

[Marrianna]

I normally start with the music and then write lyrics, so this is somewhat of an experiment. I know that the structure is odd ( there is no Chorus and the song title hardly appears in the lyrics), plus there is a savage twist at the end, but I am trying to capture a very specific sense of confusion and anger. Let me know what you think ....



Please Don’t Leave Me

Please be gentle with me
Let me take this in
Every time I think I understand
All of the things you mean
Something takes a grip upon my mind and
Empties it of sense

Did you never tell me?
Or did I forget?
Nothing seems to get through to me
This doesn’t make any sense

Leaving me should be a last resort
Even if you want
All the things that I can’t seem to give
Value what we have
Everyone deserves a second chance

Make it up to me you stupid bitch
Ending this is wrong



Hi Kevy

I think you have captured the feelings of confusion and anger very well but the last 2 lines
need to be thought about , in my opinion. This is because the confused person is asking of someone
else to be gentle and to give a second chance. I, as I read it , lost sympathy when the other person is being called a 'stupid bitch' in the same line as 'make it up with me' and 'ending this is wrong.'
Because it sounds abusive to me, it's not a good message, in my opinion, and maybe just a change of words there.
I can see when reading that you have tried to show that confusion produces mixed feelings but maybe another verse would be good without the 'slap in the face' words but still showing why ending the relationship would be wrong?

These are just my thoughts though. 

Marrianna

[irwin]

Yes, I agree that you have some good line going on in this lyric but I would suggest that you drop the last two line:

"Make it up to me you stupid bitch"
"Ending this is wrong"

Irwin

[kevysc]

Thanks to everyone for the feedback: clearly the last two lines are at least a little controversial (which was sort of what I was aiming for )

The character I am trying to depict is someone who is somewhat self-centered (and hence the reason he doesn't hear what is being said to him by his soon to be ex-girlfriend). In the last two lines, that selfishness comes out, but maybe a little too harshly.

Let me mull on it while I try to put music to it ..... it may well change by the times it's complete

[Bleedin Boy]

As you say the structure is odd, perhaps this is to reflect the confusion. I like how the second verse is more simple as maybe things become clearer.