Hello everyone & Happy new year!
I'm currently working on a chorus line and am very unsure which version is best and what might seem too "generic" or could be improved... I would appreciate it if you could give me your feedback...
Version 1:
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -sleep has crept under the bed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -scared by the chaos in my head/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... - all my fears are being fed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -it steals the night, nothing is left/
Version 2:
Brooding, brooding, brooding... -like echoes in my head/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... -how much further will it spread?/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... - all my fears are being fed/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... -Insomnia is bred/
Version 3:
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -Sleep has crept under the bed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'...-I'm awake, my legs won't rest/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'...-my fears are waitin' to be fed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -every night, these doubts are bred/
High five!
It depends somewhat on what vibe you're after. For instance, are you planning on a kind of melancholy lament? Or simmering frustration? Or even raging anger? At the moment, all your options feel melancholy to me. Based on version 3, I'm thinking you're after a more urgent feeling of frustration. The setting, of course, can contribute to the feel. Rhyming all four lines would, in my opinion, also express frustration better, which you have done in all three versions. Perfect rhymes are too stable for any negative vibe, so I wouldn't use version 2.
If you're after a more frustrated feel, I would consider leaning toward words or phrases like "pounding", "reverberating", insomnia gnawing at you, trapped in sleeplessness, agony of wakefulness, "spiral", "exhaustion", "wired", "desperate".
Based on your repetitions of the word "broodin'", you're probably more after the melancholy feel. In this case, I still prefer stronger phrases. Like, maybe "Locked in wakefulness in bed" (to keep your rhyme scheme), or something with "Locked in fearfulness". Could you use something to indicate the heaviness of sleeplessness by using the word "lead"? Like maybe, "Fear weighting me down like lead". I think that could be made better, though. I would need to think longer.
I like your "steals the night" phrase. I like the echoes in the head, but I like "reverberations in my head" better.
I'm not sure which of your three I like best. Maybe you could combine some of the elements of each.
Anyway, there are some ideas. Use any if you like or ignore them all if you don't. Ideas freely given with no expectations.
Vicki
Hey!
Thanks for the great feedback!
I've now decided on version 3 because I personally feel it the most and I think it conveys the feeling most concretely without being too generic... That's exactly why I decided against the "it steals the night" line, because in this context it's perhaps too 'straightforward' or "generic" for me... I think the lead is a good idea. Maybe I'll come up with an alternative to "Broodin' s" at the beginning of line 3... Do you think version 3 would work well as a chorus?
In any case, you have described exactly the feeling I wanted to create. Maybe that's a good sign? :)
Thanks and best regards!
Hello, I personally like the second parts of the song after brooding.
You use the word broodin 27 times
That seems highly excessive and I have never heard a song using that kind of structure?? But then I am fairly clueless in regards to lyrics writing ! But keep having fun, that's what it's all about 😃