Midnight Moon

[Vicki]

Here's a lyric to which I'd like some reactions...especially for the duplication of the line "Her beauty lights the sky". It's in every chorus and it's also (so far) in the first verse. I'm thinking I maybe need something different for the first verse, but I'm coming up empty so far. I also don't like the second two lines of verse 2. I might need a break, and meanwhile, I'll take ideas. It feels like there's a lot of reference to "light, bright, night" words.

I would love comments on any part of the song that strikes you. FYI there's no melody so far.

Midnight Moon

VERSE 1
The lovely moon ascends with grace to rule from starry height
The velvet night is richer as her beauty lights the sky
The stars, like ancient sentinels, in golden silence gleam,
And stir within the dreaming heart the echoes of a dream.

CHORUS
The midnight moon shines so bright
Her beauty lights the sky
Reflection glowing in the night
I hear a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

VERSE 2
No voice or tongue is ever heard among those radiant spheres,
And yet their song at midnight hour is music for my ears.
To earth and sea's far-reaching edge they whisper truth divine,
That set them sailing long ago through endless realms to shine.

CHORUS
The midnight moon shines so bright
Her beauty lights the sky
Reflection glowing in the night
I hear a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

BRIDGE
A silver glow upon the waves,
a hush across the sea
She casts her light through silent night
and sets our spirits free

CHORUS
The midnight moon shines so bright
Her beauty lights the sky
Reflection glowing in the night
I hear a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

Copyright 2025 Vicki Morrison Goble

[icystorm]

@Vicki -- These are beautiful lyrics! I can easily imagine you singing them in the lovely style of Karen Carpenter as I've heard you sing before.

The only change I would consider is changing 'dreaming heart' to 'seeking heart' or 'searching heart' in the first verse. Yet, 'dreaming heart' is a nice fit too, so go with what you think is best in your song.

And stir within the dreaming heart the echoes of a dream.

I hope to hear you sing this soon! Nice work on your lyrics!

Cheers,
Joseph 

[Vicki]

Thank you for your suggestion! I did not notice that problem at all, so I'm very happy you caught it. I found a few other snaggly spots that didn't sit right with me and now have a new version--not a LOT different, although half of verse two is totally new and the chorus has been "tightened up". Here is the current version:


VERSE 1
The lovely moon ascends with grace to rule from starry height
The velvet night is warmer when she shares her gentle light
The stars, like ancient sentinels, in golden silence gleam,
And stir within the waiting heart the echoes of a dream.

CHORUS
Midnight moon, shine so bright
Your beauty lights the sky
Your silver glow in quiet night
Becomes a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

VERSE 2
No voice or tongue is ever heard among those radiant spheres,
And yet their song at midnight hour is music for my ears.
They whisper truths of ancient paths, where destinies unfold,
But I can't find my way, I'm lost, my story still untold.

CHORUS
Midnight moon, shine so bright
Your beauty lights the sky
Your silver glow in quiet night
Becomes a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

BRIDGE
A silver glow upon the waves,
a hush across the sea
She lights a path through silent night
and sets my spirit free

CHORUS
Midnight moon, shine so bright
Your beauty lights the sky
Your silver glow in quiet night
Becomes a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

Copyright 2025 Vicki Morrison Goble


The old version, for easy reference, was:

VERSE 1
The lovely moon ascends with grace to rule from starry height
The velvet night is richer as her beauty lights the sky
The stars, like ancient sentinels, in golden silence gleam,
And stir within the dreaming heart the echoes of a dream.

CHORUS
The midnight moon shines so bright
Her beauty lights the sky
Reflection glowing in the night
I hear a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

VERSE 2
No voice or tongue is ever heard among those radiant spheres,
And yet their song at midnight hour is music for my ears.
To earth and sea's far-reaching edge they whisper truth divine,
That set them sailing long ago through endless realms to shine.

CHORUS
The midnight moon shines so bright
Her beauty lights the sky
Reflection glowing in the night
I hear a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

BRIDGE
A silver glow upon the waves,
a hush across the sea
She casts her light through silent night
and sets our spirits free

CHORUS
The midnight moon shines so bright
Her beauty lights the sky
Reflection glowing in the night
I hear a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

[icystorm]

Thank you for your suggestion! I did not notice that problem at all, so I'm very happy you caught it. I found a few other snaggly spots that didn't sit right with me and now have a new version--not a LOT different, although half of verse two is totally new and the chorus has been "tightened up". Here is the current version:

@Vicki -- You're welcome! The new version is also very cool! I think you have a great set of lyrics for your song. It's nice to see you writing and sharing new material. I look forward to your next song soon.

Kind regards,
Joseph

[snargleplax]

This has a delightful, pastoral quality. It puts you right out in the country on a beautiful, clear night. A hint of non-visual imagery (animal sounds, the smell of mist, damp grass, cold air) here or there could really make that come alive.

I think the shift from "The midnight moon shines so bright" to "Midnight moon, shine so bright" was an excellent decision. Now it feels like a song being sung to the moon, and that paints such a more vivid moment. Well, except that the verses haven't undergone the same shift; they're still talking about the moon, rather than to it. Perspective shift from verse to chorus can be fair, but I'd be interested in seeing a version of this lyric in which the verses too address the moon directly.

In the first line, the adjective "lovely" jumps out at me as overly mild and lacking in illustrative impact. It's a sweet word, but it's a bland word. Too bland for an opener, perhaps. Even moving it down the line a bit, like "The moon ascends with lovely grace" would feel a bit less like damning the subject through faint praise, but only incrementally. I'd explore alternatives, to really make that first line draw us in. Something that engages the senses (the brilliant moon, the crystal moon, the silvery moon) or emotions (the autumn moon, the lonely moon, the graceful moon) a bit more.

Come to think of it, the first two lines of the song are very... stable, I guess is what I'd say? It's a fairly head-on appreciation of beauty, and doesn't create the sense of leading anywhere. The lines that follow do a bit more of that -- they sort of gesture at this dreamy sense of longing stirred up within the viewer/narrator. I wonder if that longing couldn't come to the fore more promptly, to make sure no one starts to take a nap before they hit the second half of the verse.

"voice or tongue" stands out as redundant.

"at midnight hour" jars just a bit for me -- combination of the hard phonetic stop in the middle, and the mild unconventionality (or at least, poetic construction) of the phrase. I wonder about maybe just making it "at midnight's hour", which would have a similar feel (personally I prefer it) but not such a hard stop.

"music for my ears" seems like it's trying hard not to be "music to my ears", and maybe not entirely succeeding -- because really it's the same idea. I wouldn't say it especially hits.

I started to write that I really liked "reflection glowing in the night", and then I realized I was looking at the old version and you'd edited that line out. It's a neat way to describe the moon, though; it's novel, and it took me a second, but once I got it I appreciated it. I get that the replacement line now leads into the next line, so it's probably good to go with that, but it's a shame to lose that imagery. Maybe there's another place it could work -- even the first line of the song? Give us a provocative image up front to really get us thinking about the rest of what we'll hear.

The bridge introduces a setting -- we're at, or near, the sea -- and it feels belated. I've already gotten through most of the song at that point, and hopefully been picturing myself in some setting looking at the moon. If I happened to picture myself inland (as you'll note above that I did, thinking of grassy countryside), I'm out of luck. It may work better to either eliminate it or else establish the setting earlier on, like in the first verse to set the scene, rather than use the bridge for that. Really, it should come down to whether a setting helps the song overall (I imagine so, as it's a very scenery-focused lyric), and if so how to illustrate that in a way that can be appreciated for the entire span of its relevance.

The bridge repeats the phrase "silver glow" from the chorus. Doesn't read as intentional, structural repetition; just seems like running out of ways to describe the same thing.

Okay, hope some of that's helpful. I do really like it overall.

[Vicki]

Thank you so much! @snargleplax for your amazing, in-depth review with wonderful suggestions. A couple of the points you mentioned had occurred to me but I hadn't thought them through [yet]. About introducing the sea too late--songs I write can go through a lot of changes before they're done, and most of the sea references in this one disappeared in the refining process, leaving the remnant in the bridge.

I am going to have fun reviewing my song using your brilliant review as a guide. I'm sure I won't rewrite everything, but this gives me so much to work with! Thank you!

vicki

[Vicki]

Here's the latest version, taking into account suggestions and feedback from various places, including here, of course. Any new problems you can see?

MIDNIGHT MOON (Sing to Me)

VERSE 1
Oh, crystal moon, you rise with grace to rule from starry height
Your silver trail on ocean waves reflects your gentle light
A night breeze whispers through the trees and echoes in my dreams
My waiting, aching heart grows more resilient in your beams

CHORUS
Midnight moon, shine so bright
Your beauty lights the sky
Your silver glow in quiet night
Becomes a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

VERSE 2
No tongue of earth is ever heard among those radiant spheres,
And yet their song at midnight's hour is music for my ears.
They whisper truths of ancient paths, where destinies unfold,
But I am drifting far from shore, my story still untold.

CHORUS
Midnight moon, shine so bright
Your beauty lights the sky
Your silver glow in quiet night
Becomes a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

BRIDGE
Silver glow upon the waves
A hush across the sea
You light a path through silent night
And set my spirit free

CHORUS
Midnight moon, shine so bright
Your beauty lights the sky
Your silver glow in quiet night
Becomes a lullaby
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, sing to me

OUTRO
Midnight moon, guide my way
Show me where to go
Sparkling droplets on the waves
Help me find my home
Midnight moon, sing to me
Midnight moon, set me free

Copyright 2025 VMG

[icystorm]

@Vicki -- Very well written! The original version was already fine, but this update is even better! The entire song paints a lovely scene. Although I like each line, these caught my attention the most and best:

They whisper truths of ancient paths, where destinies unfold,
But I am drifting far from shore, my story still untold.

Really cool! Well done!

Cheers,
Joseph

[Rightly]

A marvelous read.
I wondering how it'll sit with music
But the lyric was rich enough to hold my attention.
It'll be nice to hear a recording.

[Vicki]

I'm getting there. I had a hard time coming up with an idea for a melody but I think I finally got a good one today. So...stand by....

A marvelous read.
I wondering how it'll sit with music
But the lyric was rich enough to hold my attention.
It'll be nice to hear a recording.